Bound By Babies

365- Day 30-32

2012-02-01T23:14:00.003-05:00

Day 30- Lovey

Day 31 Dinner out

Day 32- Scrub-A-Dub

365- Day 28 and 29

2012-01-29T22:40:00.001-05:00

Day 28- Side of the road

Day 29- Glow Bowl.

365 project day 26 and 27

2012-01-27T15:30:00.002-05:00

Day 26- She's all mine

Day 27- Playground fun.

365 project- Day 25 and 26

2012-01-26T00:18:00.000-05:00

Day 24- Waiting for dance to start

Day 25- Sunbeams from Heaven.

Day 22 and 23- 365 Project

2012-01-23T22:50:00.004-05:00

Day 22- confused expressions

Day 23- Little Intellect(Should we tell him the book is backwards?!)

Day 21, 365 project

2012-01-21T23:22:00.001-05:00

Day 21- Swingin'

And yes, she is in a tank top, outside, in January. It was a beautiful day today. We spent it at the park by the water and had some Ice Cream man ice creme. It was a good day.

365- Day 19 and 20

2012-01-21T00:19:00.001-05:00

Day 19- Merry-Go-Round

Day 20- Keepin' the bugs away

365- Dat 18

2012-01-18T20:02:00.001-05:00

Day 18- Bubbles

I had originally planned on taking her to the beach tonight to watch the sunset. We couldn't go because the weather sucked(raining, windy, etc!) So we added some coloring and bubbles to the bath and this is what we came up with. The bubbles were so thick we couldn't even see the pink bath! Ha!

365- Day 16 and 17

2012-01-17T15:08:00.000-05:00

Day 16- Lashes

Day 17- You can run, but you can't hide.

365 day 14 and 15

2012-01-15T23:46:00.000-05:00

Day 14- Independent Dresser

Day 15- Carefully reading the menu

365 project day 12 and 13

2012-01-13T14:59:00.000-05:00

Day 12- Ride em' Cowboy, err, Mooseboy

Day 13- A rare find

365- day 11

2012-01-11T16:46:00.002-05:00

Day 11- And only 355 to go!

365- day 9 and 10

2012-01-10T19:01:00.002-05:00

Day 9- Sweet little girl

Day 10- Bubble boy

Day 7 and 8

2012-01-08T22:23:00.004-05:00

Day 7{bored}

Day 8{Do you mind?}

Brenton: You're 15 months old

2012-01-06T18:00:00.003-05:00

I simply cannot believe how fast these last 3 months have gone by. This isn't my first time going through a baby growing up faster than I'd like, but it's still so, so, surreal.

You are the sweetest baby. You love to cuddle with me and you give the sweetest kisses. You're a total Mommas boy, through and through. Some days I realize that i am so, so, blessed by this and other days it is exhausting. Sometimes I need a break and you'll often cry even if your Dad has you. I'm learning to cherish these moments because one day, you'll think I am the biggest dork ever and avoid showing emotion to me at all cost.

Even though you're sweet with me you've also become quite the little bruiser. You're constantly throwing little 'baby' fits, pulling hair, and sporadically biting! You're not aware of the fact that EVERY toy doesn't always belong to you and sharing is a word that you must learn. I thought that because you're not the only kid in this house that sharing would come easier to you. I was wrong. You know what you want and how to get it! Work on that, OK?

These last few months you've done lots of new things! The most obvious from photo one to the subsequent ones is you had your first haircut. Daddy took the pictures and they suck(for lack of a better term!) but you look more handsome than ever. Who would have thought that was possible.

You're saying a handful of words: No, Yah, uh-oh, ball, bye bye, to name a few. I don't expect you to talk too much because your sister NEVER shuts up. Ever. Ever. Ever. And if you ever get any words in between her jabbering, I'll be highly impressed! Although, I will say, that you're constantly talking in baby jibberish. All day long. You're quite passionate about it, too. You often use your hands, raise your eye brows, and tell me your stories. It's the funniest thing. Ever.

You're pointing, waving bye-bye, blowing kisses, giving high-fives, following simple directions(IE: Go find your ball, etc!) eating with a spoon, clapping(finally!) and slowly learning your body parts!

And now to discuss what you're not doing. Sleeping through the night. We've tried it all: Cry it out, rocking, noise machines, music, lights on, lights off, paci's and no paci's, etc, etc, etc! And you still wake. Enough said.

You're such a beautiful baby. Inside and out. People stop us all the time to tell me how adorable you are. And you just smile and radiate this energy about you that makes people, even strangers, melt to the floor. The world has big plans for you. And I am patiently waiting to watch you fulfill God's plan.

You're amazing. Sweet. Lovable. You complete our little family in ways we never deemed possible. You fill my heart. You make me so, so, happy. Keep being you, my beautiful baby boy.

I love you to the moon and back, Mama.

365 project day 4-6

2012-01-06T12:20:00.005-05:00

Day 4- Batters up

Day 5- Coloring

Day 6- Puppy love

365 photo project

2012-01-03T22:50:00.000-05:00

This year I am going to attempt a 365 project(366 w/ the leap year!) I can't promise I'll be able to post the new photo(s) everyday, though I'll try to update often! :)

Day one: Lil' Ms. Serious

Day two: spoons are over-rated

Day 3: Contemplation

Brenton's first haircut

2012-01-02T21:27:00.000-05:00

Brenton had his first haircut tonight. I had planned on only cutting the bangs some and the sides(he was growing wings!) But Duane convinced me to give him a real cut. And what REALLY convinced me, the guy cutting it said that if I cut the sides short(how I wanted) I'd end up with a mullet. No, thanks!

Before

Who the heck are you and what do you plan on doing with those?

Tickles!

Losing his curls. :(

Switch up.

Almost done

A new boy!

*please excuse the craptastic photos- Duane isn't as great as a photographer as he assumes*

Proud of my little ballerina

2011-12-18T15:54:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was McKenzie's Christmas recital for dance. At the very start(back in June) of class she was so, so, shy and apprehensive about being around people she didn't know and performing for them, nonetheless.

Every week I asked her if she loved dance. She always replied yes. In fact, she withdrew from gymnastics because she said she really disliked it(She has since changed her mind and is back enjoying gymnastics!) And every week she'd cry when I first left her. Her Dad and I had talk after talk about being in ballet meant that she could not have me in there. It is a rule of the class that Mom's are not to be in class(it's pretty distracting having mommy there, right?) and we told her that if she wanted to be in class she had to go in and be independent. A few weeks in and her tears turned to smiles. She'd still act a bit shy in the beginning, but would go in without tears.

Her first recital was for Halloween. She went on stage. And was VERY unsure about the whole thing. But she went on. And she did some of the dance.

I've always told her that IF you want to be in dance(she does) that being on stage is apart of it. If she opted to not go on stage, or perform in front of people, we'd find a new activity that didn''t require these things. She insisted she wanted to learn to be brave.

Over the last few weeks I've watched her go from a bashful, thumb in mouth, little girl to a spirited, confident dancer. She ALWAYS loved dancing, but as soon as the parents would come in to be a "practice audience" for the upcoming show her thumb would go in mouth and she'd dance- slowly. Now she dances. With a smile. And I can't help but beam with pride that she didn't let her fears stop her. I feel like Duane and I did something right- letting her know that A plus B = C(Class, dancing, show!)

Last night she went on stage. No tears. No arguments. Smiles. She danced her little heart out and did the ENTIRE dance without missing a beat. I cried. I watched my normally cautious soul become confident and I cried.

My little "Dominik the Christmas Donkey"

I am so, so, proud of her. You can view her here. It's a Facebook link(though should work for everyone, I hope!). She's the last on the right and the video is craptastic. My mom taped it, too, but taped the wrong kid. Mom. Sigh.

Pretty new dresses

2011-12-16T11:17:00.004-05:00

A friend of mine recently purchased a dress for her little girl. They're called Hopscotch dresses. And I fell in love. I bought two for McKenzie and she wore them for the first time to my niece's sweet 16 party.

Kenzie instantly found this little guy(A friend of my sister's son) and decided it was time for them to be BFF's. He's simply adorable, isn't he?

And a family shot- minus me!

Justin Bieber

2011-12-09T10:49:00.001-05:00

Brenton is 14 months old and sporting the Justin Bieber hair. No, we're not ready to cut it.. YET.

Sweet dreams....

2011-12-05T23:27:00.001-05:00

We've been successful. Kenzie is back in her room for the one billionth attempt. Hopefully, this time she'll learn to love sleeping independently as we love having her sleep independently.

Party photos!

2011-12-05T23:20:00.001-05:00

She asked for a Sponge Bob party. We obliged. Even though she isn't even allowed to watch the foul mouthed, disgusting, sponge! She went with us to the cake decorator and explained exactly how she wanted her cake. It came out pretty cute! Even for a putrid little guy, right?! Ha.

My Mother bought McKenzie her first American Girl baby. She is in love with this doll. It is worth its weight in gold. She swaddles it, loves it, and brings it everywhere!

Cups.

My 3 favorite people.

Kenzie getting a Barbie. And little brother, Brenton, is excited for new presents, too!

He's earned the nickname, Justin Bieber, due to his wild curly hair... He's pretty handsome, huh!

McKenzie: You're 4 years old!

2011-11-26T00:20:00.001-05:00

Happy, Happy, birthday my sweet girl. Tonight you went to bed as a beautiful three-year old. Tomorrow you'll wake as an even more beautiful four-year old. It's surreal that you've grown so much and so fast.

As I remember your birth I am often flooded with emotions. When you were born, the second the doctor smiled and informed us that you were healthy, you brought healing. Your Dad and I decided to get pregnant with you. We put all our hope and love into the fact that you'd be born "perfect" and healthy. And you were. Oh, how we rejoiced. We finally had a baby God was going to allow us to raise and keep. You gave us our hope back. And for the past four years we've watched you develop into a vibrant, vivacious, beautifully curious, cautious, little girl. It's been a wild ride and we wouldn't change a single thing!

This year the biggest change for you was I quit my job(again) and decided to stay at home with you and your brother. This brought a mix of emotions for me as I worried about having you leave your friends and not being in a structured school environment. You've done quite well. We anticipate that you'll start part-time pre-school soon. You missed your friends at first, but have made lots and lots of new friends. You're happy and thriving. It's all I could really ask for!

Currently, you're in dance and gymnastics. You puffy heart love both. At first you refused to go into gymnastics so you hadn't been in quite sometime; however, a few weeks ago you decided to give it a second try and you've decided it's not too bad after all. You're VERY shy. In dance when I watch you through the glass, you're dancing away. You look so happy in there. But when the parents come in to watch you and your classmates perform "Dominick the Christmas Donkey" you freeze up. Your thumb goes in your mouth and you do your moves in very slow motion. I keep asking if you still want to be in there and you do. I hope one day you break out of that shy shell- the world has big plans for you and sometimes I feel like you're missing out because you're so, so, cautious.

Cautious is often a good thing. I want you to be cautious when meeting new people and when you're a crazy teen driver. But right now I want you to learn to spread your wings. You have lots of little fears. Rides? You're not a fan. Bugs? No thanks(can't blame you!) Cats and Dogs(you have some your LOVE and some that freak you out!)? My biggest hope for you is that you learn that I'd never suggest you do something that would hurt you. Sometimes when you're sitting on the sidelines, I worry that you're missing out.

You're a born leader. And this trait of yours is going to REALLY pay off in the near future(re:teenage years), but sometimes it is hard for you to understand that not everyone is going to want to do what you want to do. You remind me of me. You're stubborn to the core. I love that about you. And it makes me want to bang my head against a wall some days. Don't change it. Embrace it.

You're quite sweet and empathetic. You love your friends. EVERYDAY you ask to see one friend, or all of them. You're quite social. It's funny how shy you can be one moment and then telling the grocery store clerk ALL of our business the next.

I love watching you and your brothers relationship form more and more everyday. You love him. And he loves you. Sometimes you're annoyed that he NEVER seems to leave your stuff alone, but it's apart of sibling hood my sweet child. I hope you'll grow old and he'll remain your best friend!

You're still super picky. You survive of air most days. We had resorted to paying you to at least try your veggies. And after paying you a quarter to try spinach you replied with, "No, thanks, you can keep your money!" Goof. Try things. Really, most of the stuff we're trying to feed you is quite tasty. I promise.

You LOVE your babies. You rock them, feed them, diaper them. Every night before bed you ask me to swaddle a handful of them and you then lay them in your baby bed. It's really sweet. You're starting to love Barbies, too. You're a total girly girl and I love it. You love to learn. You're constantly trying to write your name. It's a long one so continue to be patient. You love to draw, paint, and color. And I love watching you create; however, I don't love the mess- but since you love it so much we continue to allow you to do it.

Here is your 4th birthday slide!

We love you. Happy, Happy, FOURTH birthday, Kenzie! Remember the sky is your limit. You have so much to offer the World. Dream. Every day. And reach for the stars. I want you to remember to have an open heart and open mind. I want you to love God as much as you do today, forever. Stay humble. Give. Forgive. And love.

We love you to the moon and back,

Motherhood. Huh?

2011-10-26T21:41:00.002-04:00

I've been a Mother for over five years now. I've seen 3 beautiful children born; and I've said goodbye to one far too soon. And I am still clueless.

I'm not sure if there is some magical moment when all of this motherhood stuff eventually clicks. I know it hasn't thus far. I keep trying to find that answer. I keep trying to understand how the minds of little ones, my little ones, work. I'm oblivious.

It probably takes a lot to admit. Everything I had envisioned as a mother went out the window as soon as our first was born. And then our second, and our third. It's quite easy for me to say what I wouldn't do before babies. It was quite easy for me to "judge" others until motherhood slapped me in the face.

The idea of motherhood before motherhood is glamorous. I pictured beautiful babies, hugs, kisses, and love. I left out the temper fits, vomit, blow-outs, and sleepless nights(lots and lots of them.)

It's not easy. It's not always perfect. And I struggle daily. I want to create confident children. I want to create little people that view the world as beautiful. I want to shelter them from the hate that floods our society. I want them to be open-minded. I want them to love God, their selves, and other people.

When I look into my nearly four-year olds' and my newly one-year olds' eyes I see beauty. Obviously, I think they're just the cutest little beings ever; but I see little impressionable minds. Those minds, those personalities, will form from the teachings of myself and their father. It's a big responsibility. I often wonder and worry about screwing that up(for lack of a better term.)

Sometimes I remind myself to sit back and watch the beautiful lives that we've been blessed with. The chores can wait. I can let this thing slide. Zoey's death has taught me many things. The most important thing is tomorrow is not guaranteed. So I stop this busy world and watch. I love. And I cherish. If my little girl does some obnoxious thing, I let it go. For now. Hug her, love her, all while creating the woman she'll one day be. If my one-year old is up a dozen times a night- I stop. Take a deep breath, and realize how lucky I am. He's healthy. He's beautiful. And these days will pass all too soon. Those late night cuddles will soon turn into worry when he's on his first date, driving his first car... I remind myself that sleepless nights suck. But they grow far too soon.

Although I am still completely clueless about this whole motherhood thing, I've learned to love another person more than I do myself. You love your spouse, obviously. However, the love between Mother and child is unbreakable. It never goes away. I still run to my parents at nearly 30 years old when someone breaks my heart. And they always make it right. That's all I can hope to be for my babies.

Figuring this stuff out can come later...

Brenton- You're one year old today!

2011-10-06T20:18:00.002-04:00

Happy first birthday, gorgeous boy! It's surreal that you're a year old. This time last year we had just met for the first time and I was in love the second I saw your beautiful face. You're such an amazing little guy. You're sweet to the core and already becoming too independent for me.

You're walking everywhere and into everything. You have 7 teeth. You're getting ready to lose the bottle. You're babbling all the time and talking with hand gestures. You become a bit irritated when I don't understand what you're asking for. It goes something like this: [arched eyebrows]-"Abbabdanmmmaa" [hands going a mile a minute]. And then you finish with whining when I ask again what you're trying to say.

You still do not sleep through the night. Please, please, please, make this your next milestone. I love you, but your face loses a bit of its cuteness at 3AM.

You're so innocent and beautiful. I can only hope that you hold on to this trait for a long time. My wish for you is to continue to view the world as beautiful. Don't ever hold a grudge and never hold hate in your heart. I want you to put God first and never, ever, forget to love.

I love you. I love what you've brought into our lives. I love how you completed our family in ways I didn't realize were possible. You're amazing, kind, vivacious, and beautiful. People are blessed to meet you and I know you'll conquer your dreams without too much effort.

I look forward to watching you continue to grow. I've watched you blossom from a tiny newborn, into a beautiful infant, and now into a spunky toddler. I am looking forward to the years to come and holding your hand through it all.

I love you to the moon and back, Mama!

First

2011-09-18T22:19:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I took McKenzie to her first movie. "The Lion King" in 3D. I was worried about how she'd handle sitting for nearly 2 hours. But she did great.

It was so surreal to watch a movie I LOVED as a little girl, with my little girl. And I never remembered how emotional it was. I cried at several times, but especially in the first five minutes when Simba is presented to the "World"

I am glad that our sweet girl can file this away in her memories forever.

Brenton- You're 11 months old today!

2011-09-06T17:04:00.002-04:00

Happy 11th month sweet boy! We've been busy around here planning for your first birthday party. It's hard to believe it's only one month away! You've been really busy learning lots of new things in your 10th month. You're quickly leaving your infancy behind and venturing down the road of toddler hood faster than I'd like.

The most exciting milestone is you've mastered walking. You almost never crawl and can get yourself into a standing position without holding on. It's pretty neat learning you master this feat. You're not too sure what to think about shoes quite yet. You cry and try to pull them off your feet. I assume it's because you realize that you're MUCH faster without them on. You surely don't want something slowing you down. I on the other hand, does.

You're also finally saying Mama. It's the sweetest sound I've ever heard and you use it when I am trying to get you away from something you're not supposed to have. When I pull you away from something, you look at me with your big blue eyes and say, Mama. It's almost like you're saying, "Come on lady, give me a break, would you?" You babble all day long. You talk with your hands in this really fast paced language. We're all expected to understand what you're saying. Daddy and I have fun pretending what you mean. Ha.

You've sprouted a ton of teeth. You are now working on your 8th tooth. You literally went from 2 teeth, to 8 teeth over night.

You still love food. I haven't found anything you won't eat. You're giving up your bottle and this is good as this is your last month to have one. You're still loving your pacifier and we'll battle losing that a little bit later.

You still don't sleep through the night. Sigh. That's all I have to say about that.

You are the sweetest baby. Ever. You almost never complain and you prefer to explore independently. You allow me to cuddle with you lots and since you're my last baby I love that. You love laughing and I hope that isn't something you forget as you get older. Laughter really can cure all things.

You love your sister and your puppy. I love watching you get excited when Daddy comes home from work. You try to run as fast as those chubby legs take you. It's the simplicities of life that I live for.

You love your baths. You splash a ton, stand up, and slide around the tub like a mad man. I often leave the bathroom soaked, but watching how happy you are makes it totally worth it.

As you leave your babyhood in the dust I am trying to savor the moments of you. I love rocking you to sleep and watching your chubby, dimpled hands, grasp my shirt. Your smile melts me. Your touch inspires me. I simply cannot imagine our lives before you and I look forward to watching you grow. It's a bit bittersweet as I know you're our last baby and while you seem to be in a rush to race out of your babyhood; I am left in the dust, wondering how did you manage to grow so fast.

I love you sweet boy. You complete our family. I love you for your beauty, for your innocence, and your sweet soul. I am eager to watch you grow into a beautiful man, but I am just as eager to hold onto the little pieces left of this time. I know one day I'll blink and be left wondering how fast you grew- but until then, know that I am proud of you. You and your sister make me strive to be a better person. And I thank both of you for that. You complete me. You humble me. You're amazing. And I love you.

I love you to the moon and back,
Mama

Who doesn't love free stuff?

2011-09-05T23:02:00.000-04:00

Head over to www.craftykelli1.blogspot.com for an awesome give-away with more than 300 dollars in prizes. It ends tomorrow!

Brenton: You're 10 months old.

2011-08-06T15:53:00.003-04:00

Happy 10th month, little guy. Hard to believe that you've left the single digits behind. In 2 short months we'll be celebrating your first year. What a fun 10 months it has been. You're still super passive. You don't complain much. Which is nice because your sister is far from passive. I imagine over the next few months you'll learn how to protest, too. I am holding onto your sweetness a bit longer.

In your ninth month you've learned to cruise and cruise fast along the furniture. You're walking well holding onto walking toys and even venturing into taking random, independent steps. You're growing far too fast for me. You've grown another tooth(now 3) and another is on the verge of popping through. You haven't batted an eye during teething. You still do not sleep through the night except for sporadic occurrences. Please make this your next milestone. Thanks. You love food. ALL food. You'll yell, pound your fist, and shake your head "no", if someone eats anything in front of you.

You're saying Dada, Baba, Nana, Papa. All of these are just random baby babble, of course. In case you missed the word that is missing, I'll spell it out for you. M.A.M.A! Throw me some love soon, Okay? You only say Mama when you cry. It sounds like Maaaaaaaaaa! It's funny how you're already manipulating!

You simply amaze me. Motherhood makes me strive to be a better person every single day. And I thank you and your sister for that. As adults we often forget how to look at the world without prejudice and you remind me to do that, even if it's just every once in a while. My biggest wish for you is you never forget that the world is mostly kind. That everyone deserves love. And to love. Love God, Yourself, and the strangers along the way.

I love you to the moon and back,

Mama

5 years in Heaven

2011-07-31T22:57:00.003-04:00

I'm late writing this years anniversary letter. I typically figure this stuff out in the wee hours of the morning. This year I've been thinking about what to say all day in my head. I was worried about sounding repetitious. You know, the same old, "I miss you" that I sputter every year. But, I am afraid that your letter this year will sound a bit redundant.

I do miss you. Every year that passes I miss you a bit more. I miss what should be, but isn't. My mind this time of year is plagued with memories of your death and I hate it.

It's a bit different for your birthday. I try to remember the moment I became a mother. I remember the smell of my first baby, the sounds you made, and these memories often trump the heart ache that follows.

The anniversary of your death is so vastly different. I remember that day like it just happened two minutes ago. I remember how you smelled those last few hours of your life. I remember your sweet little outfit and how you kept kicking of your shoe at the doctors office. And mostly, I remember the minutes and then seconds leading up to your death.

The flash backs of standing in the hospital hallway are overpowering. I can hear that strangers voice, a doctor, telling me you had left us. I remember standing there, falling to my knees, and the room blurry- nothing else noticeable except the words coming from that mans mouth.

I remember the look on your Daddy's face. Heartbreak. I remember how it felt. A soul changing moment in our lives. In every ones lives.

Sweet baby girl, I miss you. My heart aches that we cannot watch you grow and it rejoices for where you now are. People often say time heals all wounds. And while time surely changes the way we perceive death, your Daddy and I still miss you. We still ache for you. And we still very much wish the circumstances of your life were different.

It's really, really, unfair. It's unfair that your little sister thinks a ladder can bring her to Heaven to play with you. It's unfair that you were born with a body that was against you from the start. It's unfair that we'll never watch you grow old. But life is filled with things I'll never understand. I've come to a point in my faith that God knows more than me. He always has. It's taken me some time to grasp the concept that why I don't understand why you were born with obstacles to overcome- and then subsequently die as a result; I've come to the understanding that it's not my place to know. Now.

I hope that somewhere in Heaven you can hear us talk about you. I hope that you understand that while five years has passed, that we still very much miss and love you. And I long for the day that our family is hole again. Right now, without you, it's always, always, missing an irreplaceable link.

Love you and miss you to the moon and back our sweet, Zoey Faith.

Mama

Brenton: You're 9 months old

2011-07-06T22:19:00.002-04:00

Happy 9th month, Sweet boy. You're three-Fourths of the way to 1 year. And I am seriously slacking on photos of you. I did take your monthly photo, but I am too lazy to upload it.

You're such an awesome little guy. Your personality is busting out more each and every day. You're sweet, feisty, and lovable. You're all things boy and I love it.

This month you've learned to pull to a stand(and fall, lots). You've also learned to stand unsupported for brief periods of time. You are often letting go and become shocked at yourself at what you're doing. It's adorable.

You've ditched baby food completely. You love, love, love to eat. And at an ounce shy of 22 pounds, it shows! I simply love all of your chub.

You love your sister. You love getting into everything and anything. Today, at your doctors, I had to scoop a dead beetle out of your mouth. I nearly threw up. You smiled. Sigh.

You still wake up a million times a night. If you learn to sleep through the night soon, I will buy you a car. Thanks. You love your blankey and love being rocked to sleep. You love playing peek-a-boo.

Motherhood simply amazes me. I look at you in awe. I am amazed that I was able to create such a perfect, beautiful, little soul. You make me a better person. You amaze me. Keep being you. My biggest wish for you in this world is view the world as you do now. Forget the sinfulness that surrounds our world. Love people. All people. Love God. Love yourself. And always, always, always, be a voice to be heard, not just for you, for the voiceless.

I love you. So, so, so, much. You're my amazing, chunky little man.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mama

McKenzie: You're three and a half years old.

2011-06-06T19:29:00.003-04:00

Oh, baby girl! I cannot believe you're half-way to four already. So much so that I am a week late in writing this. It probably has something to do with the fact that I am in denial.

You're still very much in love with all things GIRL. You love, love, puffy heart love, your baby dolls. You steal Brenton's diapers so you can diaper your babies. You rock them, sing to them, and act like their mother. Recently, you asked for a new "real" baby. Sorry, kid, this factory is closed. You're probably the pickiest eater I have ever seen. You hate most meats(minus chicken and ground beef) veggies are a foreign object, and you turn your nose to nearly everything I cook. I still place the meal on your plate and encourage you to try it. You'll respond quite quickly with, "Sorry, Mama, I am just not hungry!"
You're slowly outgrowing your shyness. You still take a bit to take in your surroundings, but you will eventually let go and explore. You're a cautious soul and I like that about you. You love being around people. You're quite social for being "shy."
Speaking of cautious: You're afraid of lots and lots of things. Remember me saying you loved all things GIRL? Well, you're taking this to a whole new level. Bugs? Freak you out. Fast rides? Uhmm, no thanks. Heights? You'd rather not. You have many, many, fears. Most of them are pretty unrealistic, but I realize that this is just you so we're taking it with strides. You overcame your fears of fast rides for a split moment and rode a tiger ride at the zoo with a friend a few weeks ago. You were SO excited to get on and ride. Well, I stood there nearly in tears watching you come around. You were quite obviously terrified. And the goofy ride raced around 3 more times before I was finally able to rescue you. You'll probably never ask to go on that ride again. And while I laugh now, I felt so, so, bad for you.
You're leaving your toddler hood behind and turning into a beautiful little girl. You still have more sass and energy than I can handle most days. But I love you for it. Sometimes I think you're more like 3 going on 30, than just 3 and a half. You have an answer for everything. You're an independent soul. And I love every bit of this wild ride that is you.
Sometimes in life people expect you to adapt to what they assume is the norm. I don't want that from you. I want you to embrace the world and be you. Anyone who doesn't see the beauty that is you isn't worth changing for.

I love you to the moon and back,

Mama

Brenton: You're 8 months old today!

2011-06-06T13:11:00.005-04:00

Sweet chubby bubby. You're 8 months old today. I sound like a broken record, but I cannot believe how fast you're growing and changing. You've learned lots of new tricks this month!
You've started sleeping in your crib. Daddy and I took down the pack and play and went in full swing with this new step. However, you only last until for a few hours and then you beg, plead, cry(read:cry), to come back in our room. Since you're so cute and I am not one to let you cry it out, you often end back in our bed.

We just got your sister back out of our bed a few months ago. It's almost like we've replaced her body in my bed with yours. Every night we try to keep you in there and one day, Sir, you'll have to learn that your bed is WAY nicer than mine! Until then I'll continue to enjoy the late night snuggles.
A few weeks ago you learned to go from your belly to sitting. A few days later(on the exact same age, to the day as your sister), you learned to move your little arms and knees and crawl. Today? You're everywhere! And into everything. Cords, your favorite. Shelves, yep, destroy them. I forgot how insane it was to have a VERY curious, mobile baby. But, I love watching you discover new things.

You've been trying to pull yourself to a stand, too. You can get yourself about half-way up before you give up and become frustrated. But while you are discovering the world on your hands and knees, can you please take a second to slow down. I'd like to savior your baby moments just a little while longer.

We've moved you out of your bucket car seat and into your "big boy" seat. You're a hefty 21+ pound baby and carrying you was more than I could handle. You love sitting in your new seat and it fits you pretty well. You especially love riding in carts, being carried by me in your carrier, and "people watching." You must be one of the most nosiest babies I know. Wonder where you got that from?

You're eating tons of table food now. Pieces of banana's and steamed peas are a favorite. You love feeding yourself. It makes Daddy and I a bit nervous as you totally chipmunk cheek everything. I assume you think the food will go away faster than you can shove it in your face. No one is going to steal your food, sweet boy.

You're babbling up a storm. I hope this isn't a sign into another toddler that NEVER stops talking. You're favorite "word" is Dada. I haven't heard Mama yet and if you love me, even a little bit, please humor me and say it. Thanks.

I cannot believe you're already 8 months old. It simply amazes me how fast your infancy is flying by. You remain to be the most laid back, sweet baby. And I love it. I love you more and more everyday. Every part of you makes me value life more. You're my sweet, chubby, baby boy. And I heart you.

Love you to the Moon and back,

Mama

Image that will for sure make his Senior yearbook page.

2011-05-11T22:08:00.000-04:00

I think he is saying, "Mom. Seriously?! You stick me in the grass, in the nude, and you then have the audacity to snap photos?!?" He's simply irresistible? Is anything cuter than man boobs, back rolls, dimpled hands, on a cute barely 7 month old?

Brenton: You're 7 months old today

2011-05-06T13:59:00.002-04:00

Happy 7th month my sweet chubby boy. Your 6 month flew by before I knew it and I nearly forgot that today you turned 7 months old. I just told someone yesterday at the grocery store that you were 6 and a half months old. I am obviously in denial about you getting so big, so quick!
You remain my sweet and laid back little guy. You love, love, love, your sister. She's constantly playing with you(sometimes a bit rougher than I'd like) and you light up. You watch her every move and I hope you're not learning how to be naughty. *wink* Lately, you're really objecting to not getting your way. If we take something from you we get the below result. You LOVE food and beg and smack your lips EVERY time we eat. We often give you bites of our food, but the bites cannot come quick enough for you and you often scream and shake your hands. It's pretty hysterical.
Today you FINALLY learned to roll in both directions. I've seen you roll from belly to back since about 3 months old, but you sort of just stopped doing this. Today you've been rolling over and over again. You're also trying very hard to get up on all fours. You can push your arms ALL way up, but you haven't figured out to get both your knees up and your arms up together. I am thinking that my thought process of you never learning to crawl may very well be incorrect. Dang. Two mobile kids in my near future!

You're saying, "Dada" and "Baba" randomly. You're sitting like a pro. You put EVERYTHING in your mouth and you're starting to attempt the pincer grasp. You've changed quite drastically in the last 7 months. I love watching you learn new things, but it's hard to watch you become independent. You're my last little baby and I suspect you'll be grown before I know it. I am enjoying your open mouthed, slobbery kisses and cuddles with you while you still allow me to have them.

You're constantly getting attention where ever we go. People care always stopping me to tell me what beautiful children I have. It makes me beam. You have this look about you that makes me think you're wise beyond your years, a real mature look about you.

I still cannot believe how much joy your little self brings me. I love you more and more everyday. You're hysterical and sweet. You seem to be WAY more passive than your sister and I appreciate that. One feisty kid is plenty for this household. I have a billion dreams and hopes for you and I cannot wait to watch you do them.

You own my heart little guy and I love you more than I can ever manage to express.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mama.

There is a party in Heaven- Year 5.

2011-04-25T08:37:00.001-04:00

Happy 5th birthday in Heaven sweet girl. I was just telling a friend that when I think about you being five it's so surreal to me. It's such a milestone birthday. It should mean Kindergarten and independence, but those things don't exist here on Earth for you. I still imagine what you'd be like now. If you'd be feisty like your little sister or passive like your little brother. I wonder what sort of things you would enjoy. It's hard to fathom that five years has passed; in the same breathe, it feels like just a split moment.

I still struggle with your absence daily. I feel sad for your two siblings who'll never fully grasp the idea of you. I feel sad for me and rejoice for you. I'll never understand why we're on this journey. I'll never fully grasp the idea of you being gone from this Earth forever. I am still waiting to awake from this nightmare. It's almost like I can still smell you, hear you, feel you. Then I wake up. I realize that your absence isn't a dream, but reality, and my heart breaks all over again.

The truth is I have come to terms with your death. I am not angry at God anymore. I have questions for him and I suspect he'll provide the answers when the timing is right. I love you with everything I have in me, but imagining what your life would have endured had you not soared to Heaven, is heartbreaking as well.

Now, I imagine you singing and dancing in the clouds. I imagine you free from the restrictions of the obstacles you faced while here. This seems to help the pain. Life will never be the same. Our family will always be missing our first baby girl. Your siblings will always be missing a sister and a friend. And that's not fair. Nothing on this Earth is fair, Zoey. Our world seems to be plagued by sickness and heartache. There are good things, too, though. And for those, I wish you were here to experience them. I wish we could be planning a big girl party. I wish we could be registering you for school. I wish you weren't born with a broken heart. I wish we weren't plagued with memories of your death. Mostly, I wish you were here. With us. Where you so rightfully belong. I miss you.

You simply amaze me. I watch babies fuss over the littlest things. And while I feel sorry for them as well it reminds me of how very brave you were. I am reminded all the time of your courage and grace. You're a testimony of strength and courage and love. I often here people say, "I don't know how you do it; I would just die if something happened to one of my children." This journey IS the hardest I have every had to conquer. I still struggle. Daily. But, it's something that had to be done. Not just for me, or your Daddy, or any of the people who love us both, but for you as well. I want people to sense your courage and strength through me. I want people to understand our love for one another. I want people to know you. I became your voice when your voice was silenced in death. I forever be your advocate. Death doesn't keep us apart forever. Faith and love teaches me that.

Your brother looks like you. And sometimes it's hard for me to watch him learn to do the things you couldn't do. But I know you're proud of all of us. I know that somewhere in Heaven you see us and it brings a smile to your sweet face. I have met some amazing people in this journey of grief. Even though our stories are different, it's comforting to find sol ice and peace knowing that we're never in this journey alone. I imagine you've made friends with some amazing babies: Aubrey, Logan, Luca, Keanu, to name a few.

I'll never, ever, stop thinking about you. I'll never, ever, stop loving you. You're my hero. The three short months you were on Earth molded me into a person I didn't even know existed. You've created the mother I am to your siblings. I'll never stop praising the Lord for giving me you. I'm forever grateful to him for the three-months he allowed us to care for you. You're my heart, my first born, my sweet, sweet, crooked binky, and wild haired, baby girl.

Happy, Happy, 5th birthday in Heaven, Zoey. Eat all the cake you want. Make a mess and lots of noise.

Missing and loving you forever,

Mama

Who is this child?

2011-04-23T20:04:00.003-04:00

My little girl is becoming such a girly girl. I am not this way. Most days I don't sport make-up. I wear dresses ONLY for super special occasions and I haven't had my nails done since prom.

Kenzie is terrified of bugs. Cannot stay in an outfit that is wrinkled or has a stain of any sorts. She freaks if her hands are dirty. Is super motherly to ALL her babies. And has a sense of style all of her own. In fact, she won't let me dress her 99% of the time and is obsessed that thinks match.

Tonight? She made me paint her toe nails because her pedicure(yes, you read that correctly) nail polish had chipped and she couldn't go to bed with chipped nails. Sigh.

Brenton: You're 6 months old today!

2011-04-06T08:15:00.004-04:00

Happy 6th month, sweet boy!! It's hard to fathom that you've been apart of our lives for half a year. We're half way to celebrating your first birthday and that's insane to me. Again, I know this is repetitious, but if you could just stay little for just a little longer, I'd really appreciate it! You've hit all sorts of milestones this month. You have your first teeth(one half way out, the other next to it is just starting to surface). You can sort of see your pearly whites in the above picture. You're sitting unsupported. You need someone close by because you'll just topple over sporadically without warning. You seem so satisfied with this new feat! You're eating solids now. Typically once in the afternoon and once in the evening. You've recently decided that solids are WAY better than bottles and you're trying to protest them. You have to hold off on being such a big boy until you get more teeth! When we were out to eat with friends this week, you were sitting in the highchair and decided to grab a handful of your sisters HOT cheese and pepperoni. You were less than satisfied with my removing it from your grasp. You're rolling over in both directions. Though you almost never do. You hate, hate, hate, being on your belly and I don't really push you. I figure you'll get there eventually. You're sleeping through the night(Bless you, boy) and still taking two or more naps a day You love to sleep.

You love water and last weekend took a dip in the pool for the first time. You LOVED it. You have a super calm nature. Last week was my last week at work. I quit to stay home with you and your sister. You've been pretty fussy this week and I cannot figure out if it's because of the change of routine or lack for sleep since your sister LOVES to wake you. Overall though, no complaints for you. Speaking of your sister... You love her. You glow when she's in the room. You follow her around with your eyes; you like to "play" with her(with your toys). You think she's the coolest thing since sliced bread. And she loves you back. I really can't ask for more.

I love, love, love you. It's so hard to grasp. It's hard to imagine that this house was missing something prior to you. It feels like your sweet little self has been here the entire time. But as 'big' as 6 month sounds- you're still just my sweet, cuddly, boy. You're so easy to please and I can only hope you continue through life with this care free attitude. I understand why God tells us to be humble like a child. It's the innocence of you that I want to recreate in myself. It's pretty neat to experience motherhood and realize that sometimes in the big picture of life, it's the tiny moments that really matter. Your sister and I often remind me to take some time to "smell the roses." I often put the pause breaks on life so I can savor these moments; in the blink of an eye you and your sister will be grown. I am enjoying this wild ride, sweet boy.

I can't say it enough. I love you until my heart aches. I explode with joy just looking at you. You're my sweet chubba Bubba and I HEART you.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mommy-

First food

2011-03-12T14:08:00.002-05:00

Brenton started on his first solid food this week. He has been battling diarrhea for nearly 3 weeks and he managed to lose 7 ounces in one week. We decided to try to add a bit of solids to his diet.

He's only getting about a quarter of a jar once a day- and he doesn't seem overly impressed with the pea's, but his appetite has returned to normal as has his poop!

Hard to believe he's even old enough to eat this stuff. They really do grow way too fast!

Brenton: You're 5 months old.

2011-03-06T20:13:00.008-05:00

Happy 5th month, Sweet boy.

Can I be honest for a minute? When I first found out I was pregnant with you, I called a good friend and told her I didn't know what to do with a boy. We had your two sisters before you; my life revolved around baby dolls and bows- and with your arrival it would be much, much different.

However, it's not all that different. Some of the main differences that I need to duck when your "fountain" turns on- but other than that sort of stuff- being a Mother to a boy is more rewarding that I could have ever imagined.

Your personality is so, so, so, different than your sisters. You're very laid back and smiling. ALL. THE. TIME. It's contagious. I can have the worst day and seeing your sweet gummy smile makes all those worries disappear. It forces me to realize that despite the chaos of the world we live in, that the simplest things in life are the ones that matter. Your sweet smile is all that matters.

I like to think it's God's way of telling me to slow down; to take in the sweetness of you and your sister's life- and let tomorrow's worries wait for tomorrow.

Thanks for that, Bub!

You talk all the time. You're not saying constants yet, but you squeal, screech, and coo what seems to be all day long. You love to interact with anything that has a heartbeat(or random household plants). You're super social and this is new for me because McKenzie despised strangers at your age.

You're really close to sitting independently. You can sit for about 20 seconds before you start to loose your balance. You tip over and laugh at yourself. You have such a cool personality.

You're still only on formula for now. We'll introduce some solids into your life in the next month or so.

You're lazy. You hate to be on your belly(it's like deja vu). You're content either sitting with support, or laying on your back with your favorite toys around you.

You're grabbing at everything(please have mercy on my hair, Thanks!) and putting things in your mouth constantly. You love to chomp on your fingers. Makes me wonder if you'll get teeth so. So far you remain toothless!

You're just a super cool baby. You're adorable and sweet and everyone who meets you loves you.

We love you. We love what you bring to our family. Keep being you, Bud.

Love you to the moon and back!

Recent shots for Grandma and Papa

2011-02-20T14:10:00.002-05:00

1st haircut

2011-02-19T15:55:00.004-05:00

Today McKenzie had her first haircut. It's adorable! She cooperated pretty well, but we ended up leaving thinking it was over only to go back because her back was WAY longer than her sides. Part of her moving a TON!

Brenton: You're 4 months old!

2011-02-06T16:17:00.003-05:00

Happy 4th month sweet boy! You remain the sweetest baby. EVER. I cannot believe how fast you're growing. You seem to change by the second. You're grabbing at toys, putting everything you grab into your mouth, talking, rolling, smiling. You're eating 7 ounces at a time now- and nothing is better than when you eat. You love to eat. LOVE to eat! You can also "tripod" sit for 15 or so seconds at a time.You're sleeping through the night and typically wake to eat around 5:30 in the morning. You're a smart, beautiful, amazing, little guy.

This month you caught your sisters "cold" which turned into RSV. You missed a week of school, lost 10 ounces of weight from not eating(see above paragraph) and were all together a miserable man. You also got an ear infection from the RSV, but you still managed to smile, even with snot running down your sweet face.

You're the favorite at your daycare. Your teachers talk about how sweet and calm natured you are all the time. You really are. You don't fuss just to fuss. You have a motive behind each of your wails.

You love your sister and your face lights up when she is around. She sings to you, kisses you, and you laugh and laugh. Sometimes she's a little TOO close to you, and this causes you to become annoyed. I've reminded her that when you're a bit older I may just have to turn a blind eye.

I never imagined how much I could love you before I met you. But my heart radiates with love and I glow every time I think about you. You're too little to understand now, but the world is a insane place and a simple smile from you can be more healing than anything else in the world.

You're perfection and I love you with every inch of my soul. You complete me sweet boy.

I love you to the moon and back,

Mommy-

Happy Valentine's day!

2011-01-29T18:13:00.002-05:00

Did some quick photos today. Not too many of little Brenton as he has RSV and is a snotty, fussy, baby boy!

Perfection

2011-01-23T15:10:00.001-05:00

Seriously? It doesn't get much cuter than this! Gosh, I love this boy!

Photography- My Babies-

2011-01-08T17:38:00.002-05:00

Brenton you're three months old today!!

2011-01-06T20:50:00.004-05:00

Sweet little boy. You're three-months old. A quarter of the way until you first birthday. You're a trimester old! How can that be? Seriously? I wish I could freeze these moments- We've kissed your newborn-hood goodbye and we welcome your baby-hood with open arms. You are the sweetest baby. Even if I even pretend to look in your direction you flash me the hugest baby grin. Ever. It warms my soul. Your third month brings many emotions, just as it did for your sister, but your smiles make it so much easier on me.

I never realized a baby could change so much in just a month's time. I suppose I knew, but I somehow voided how fast your sister changed right out of my mind.I wrongly speculated that you'd slow down a bit, let me savour this part of our lives a bit longer, but just as Sissy did you've grown leaps and bounds.

During your 2nd month you learned to roll from your belly to your back. You smile repetitiously at everyone and anything. You're starting to giggle. You can tripod for about 20 seconds before you lose your balance. You're swatting at toys and trying to grab them.

And probably my favorite- you talk A TON!! All day! All night! You babble! I love it! You look so serious with your eyebrows arched when you let out your sounds and then you give this huge grin as if you've just told the funniest joke! I just love it!

You're not consistently sleeping through the night, but do pretty well most nights. You still have to be swaddled in order to sleep and you love the paci! We're recently bought you a clip in the attempts to stop losing them every twenty seconds(and in attempts that your sister will stop hiding them).

Today was a huge milestone for the both of us. Today I went back to work. I felt so guilty leaving you all day and caught myself crying every time I thought about you. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing leaving you, and only time will answer that.

Everything we do as parents often leaves us feeling guilty and today was total guilt over load. I want you to know that leaving you to work is for you. I want you to have everything you need and want without a worry in the world. I want to help create your futures and dreams. So, off to work I go. There wasn't an hour that went by that my mind didn't think of your sweet smiles and a second that went by that my heart didn't ache for you.

In closing I am so happy you're here. I cannot imagine our lives without your sweet soul in it- I love you with every thing I am. You and your sister make me proud in ways I cannot even fathom or explain. You're my heart sweet, chubby, boy!

Love you to the moon and back,

Mama-

Jocelyn {Newborn}

2011-01-03T19:05:00.006-05:00

Sweet, Sweet, baby girl. Meet Jocelyn Ella at only 3 days old she was the perfect little model. She protested the photo shoot at first, but after some nursing she was out like a light- Oooh how I LOVE baby girls!

Cutest little chub- ever!

2011-01-01T23:19:00.003-05:00

Out of the mouth of Babes- McKenzie edition-

2010-12-27T22:38:00.003-05:00

McKenzie is quite verbal now and we're often caught laughing hysterical with what comes out of her mouth-

* It's my lucky day(In reference to anything out of the ordinary happening)

* You have to share,____(Her way to manipulate you into sharing something she wants)

* You're a good sharer(She succeeded in her manipulation)

* I gotta pee! I can't wet myself!( this cracks me up)

* Mama, You're my best friend(this one melts me)

The many faces of Brenton at 10 weeks old

2010-12-16T18:45:00.002-05:00

The I'm loading my diaper face!The I am manipulating you with my smile face!

The Happiest boy in the world face!

The pleased with Mommy's antics face!

The you're not coming close to amusing me face!

Tis the season

2010-12-14T20:30:00.006-05:00

A good friend of mine recently had a blog about favorite, meaningful, ornaments.

This one I actually bought for myself. It has "The Lord is my Shepard" verse written on it. It reminds me of all of my loved ones that have left for Heaven. It's a reminder about how blessed we are each time I see it. We try not to get involved in the commercial reasons behind Christmas. We don't expose McKenzie to Santa and she calls him "Grandpa" every time she sees a Santa in the mall or a decoration. When she is old enough we'll tell her about Saint Nicholas and the true story of him without the whole Fat man forced down a chimney side!

On Christmas eve we read to her the story of Jesus' birth. This ornament symbolizes that- it's so simple, yet so profound that the sweet baby Mary and Joseph are holding would soon become our Savior-

My sister gave this to Duane and I on our first Christmas as a married couple. It's wicked heavy and often breaks branches- but it's our first one given to us together- and it remains on our tree yearly.

Bought this one this year- Our family. Finally complete!

Brenton's baby ornament-(These uploaded in opposite order, grr)!

McKenzie's

My dear friend Danielle sent this on Zoey's first Christmas. It was THE only thing given to Zoey that year and it was our hardest Christmas ever as we were without our baby girl and had no other babies. Our house was quiet and calm and dreary. I'll never be able to thank her enough for including Zoey in Christmas that year. It's by far my favorite ornament-

It reads: "Zoey's first Christmas in Heaven 2006"

Just a photo share-

2010-12-11T20:41:00.004-05:00

Been really trying to work on this whole photography stuff. Below are some of this weeks results-

Duane should count his blessings!

2010-12-08T17:17:00.000-05:00

Brenton: You're two-months old today!

2010-12-06T12:05:00.003-05:00

Baby boy- time really does fly. I've said that over the last three-years as I watched your sisters infancy rush by me, leaving me in the dust. I guess what I've been praying for is that you'd slow down a bit, let me enjoy the last sounds and smells of a newborn, before you grew right before my very eyes.

No such luck! You're growing at an even faster rate than your sisters and I'm trying to savor your babyhood, day by day, moment by moment if need be.

It's insane the difference one-month makes when you're referring to a baby. You're such a sweet boy. You're no longer fussy(unless it's time to eat) and you're really enjoying the world around you.

I often forget that each time you see something new, it's brand new to you. You've never seen Christmas lights before, so of course it's fascinating to you. You're learning about your new world right before my very eyes and that fascinates me little guy!

You're incredibly strong. You almost never get tummy-time as this could be hazardous to your health(think wild three-year old sister and even wilder dog) and yet you have no issues holding your head high!

You make the sweetest baby sounds and smile ALL the time! You've laughed out loud a few times while awake, but do it all.the.time. in your sleep. It's hysterical! I'd pay good money to know exactly what you're dreaming about.

You love to eat! Every time someone sees you they comment on how much chubbier you are from the last time they saw you. You're sleeping through the night(Thank you!), and eating 5 ounces every 3 hours! You love bath time and if you're fussy this almost instantly calms you. You also have found that it's great fun to suck on your hands! You have some amazing suction power! You love your paci, car rides, and your Sissy! You're an awesome, easy going, calm natured, little guy!

We've nicknamed you Chubba Bubba, Boody(no idea, don't ask), and Bubba! I don't think you'll ever learn your real name as oftne as you're called one of the above names!

In closing- we love you. So, So, much! We never knew we were missing YOU before you. But you are the link that completes our family. We're blessed to be your parents.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mama

Need a reason to smile?

2010-12-04T00:27:00.002-05:00

My heart is melting!

A photo says a thousand words, right?

2010-11-27T18:38:00.004-05:00

Brenton was less than amused with my posing him for a photo opportunity. He's far less compliant than McKenzie was as his age. I keep insisting that a loud, needy, baby will become a cooperative toddler. Profess it with your mouth and it shall come true, right? I think he's mocking me- "No, Mom, not right. I'll give you a run for you money in my toddler years, too."
Love how his bib states his love and gratefulness to his parents- but his expression and noise clearly states how he really feels: "Please remove this ridiculous get-up and pick me up!"

And with this expression he's clearly stating, "Oh good Gracious, they posed me with her! She's squeezing and I am annoyed! Very annoyed! She doesn't care- she's still snapping photos!"

We had a good Thanksgiving. A lot to be thankful for. The day wasn't overly chaotic, the bird was delicious- and we got some great Black Friday deals. Here comes Christmas!

McKenzie: You're Three years old!

2010-11-26T20:33:00.003-05:00

Happy, Happy, Happy, Birthday to my beautiful girl. It's so hard to fathom you being a three-year old. This is probably because I am hanging on tight to the fact that you're still my sweet baby girl. The thing is even when you're thirty, you'll still be my baby girl; I'll still remember the moment we first met and how my heart exploded with emotions. You're blossoming into a little girl right before my very eyes. You're funny and smart and beautiful. These are some great qualities to have, little Miss.

You're still pretty shy around new people and often cling to me even around people you know well. However,once you're comfortable you run off and never look back. Lately, you've been chatting up a storm to complete strangers. You LOVE to talk and even do it when fast asleep.

We had your party this year at an inflatable bounce house place. You LOVED it. You talked about your party with all of your friends for weeks prior. I think you were more excited about seeing your friends than the actual party. You love, love, love, seeing your friends- especially Emerson and Avery. I believe they're your toddler BFF's! You ask to see them at least once a day and most of the time the three of you play pretty well together. It makes my heart expand to watch you develop new relationships. The biggest change in your life since your last letter is you're a big sister! You loveeee Brenton so much- sometimes too much. You cuddle him, kiss him, sing to him, fetch and steal his pacifier, rock him and LOVE on him the vast majority of most days.

You've learned that he can only have milky(after you fed him a goldfish cracker) and with every peep he makes you question if he needs his milk. You're really empathetic to his feelings and needs, or any ones really, and it makes me VERY proud. I look forward to continuing to watch your relationship with Brenton grow and develop.

You know so much already: All of your colors and shapes. You can sing your ABC's, Count past 20, dress and undress yourself. You can open the fridge and get your own snack and drink(if pre-poured of course)- Just to name a few.

You're still opinionated and sassy! You're obsessed with spandex and often wear them under your clothes! We compromise! You LOVE all things girl: Baby dolls, make-up, clothes, shoes, and hair bows! You're 100% a girl and I love it!

You're sleeping in your bed without a fight now and stay in there all night. Thank you!

You've blessed our lives from the moment I learned we were pregnant with you. You radiate this energy than makes everyone who crosses your path smile. We love you more than I can explain into words. You complete me in ways I cannot comprehend.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mommy

One Month Well Baby

2010-11-10T15:50:00.001-05:00

Brenton had his one month appointment today. He's 10 pounds, 4 ounces(up 11 ounces from 5 days ago), 23 inches long, and his head is 15 and a half inches.

Developmentally on track and won't return until 2 months!

Brenton: You're one month old today!

2010-11-06T14:04:00.002-04:00

Sweet baby boy, today you turn one month old. It's surreal how fast it's gone by. It's been a whirlwind of emotions with lots of bumps along the way. I promised myself we'd at least attempt to nurse you I never did this with your sisters and I was determined to at least try with you. You loved nursing, but your latch was less than perfect. This resulted in a very sore, exhausted Mommy. You wanted to nurse every ten minutes it seemed like and I threw in the towel. My guilt for giving up so quick still bothers me, but you're quite content and happy with your bottles. You love to eat. And you didn't skip a beat when we transferred you to formula.

You are so, so, different than your sister. You eat well, poop well, sleep well. You're already sleeping four hours at night at a time. You're a pretty laid back little guy and we appreciate that very much.

Speaking of your sister- I promise, one day she'll stop molesting you. I cannot wait until you can tell her to leave you alone for a few minutes. But the truth is she LOVES you. She thinks you're the best thing ever. She kisses you about a billion times a day; she ask you your name(though she knows what it is); and tells you over and over how cute you are and that she loves you. As a Mom, I couldn't really ask for more.

You've really started to notice the world around you in the last few days and even follow our faces when we move from side to side. You've flashed some gummy grins sporadically, though we're not convinced that they're intentional quite yet.

At one month we're not expecting much out of you yet. You eat, sleep, poop and repeat. I am trying to saviour these itty-bitty baby moments because I'll wake up one day and you'll be grown.

Bubby boy you complete our family in ways I didn't dream possible. You've blessed us with your sweet demeanour and adorable chubber cheeks. You've showed us that baby boys are WAY different than baby girls(I must remember to cover you or I will get soaked) and we thank God everyday that you're our son and healthy. My life is complete because you complete it.

We love you to the moon and back-

Halloween in photos

2010-11-03T11:18:00.002-04:00

See these little Cuddle Bugs? McKenzie insisted that Brenton was a cat. She'd go, "You're a cat, Baby, Meow!" I didn't have the heart to tell her that his feet were hat bats on him and this was my generic attempt to keep him a tad bit festive! However, she played the part of pirate quite dramatically! "I'm a pirate! Aaarrrghh Matte!"

I promise there is a baby inside that carrier! A year from now this picture is sure to make me nostalgic! Kenzie was apprehensive going up to strangers at first. Daddy carried her the first two houses and she quickly went from shy to professional trick or treater! Amazing how candy can do that to her!

She did, however, shake at the knees and cry at the sight of these "monsters" that were on stilts. I'd shake, too, if I was two-year's old and seeing a 9-foot tall monster!

All and All we had a successful day. We ended the night at Red Lobster with her MeeMaw and Papa- (*Note- my mother despises being called MeeMaw, so of course, I must encourage it) and she passed out in the car and didn't wake until the next morning!

Throwing in the towel!

2010-10-22T20:56:00.002-04:00

I really assumed that I'd struggle with Duane and my choice to make Brenton our last baby. We figured that two at home to raise was a perfect fit for us.

I don't have a ton of patience(shocker, right?) and lets be honest, those first few years is rough!

Up until Brenton my two previous c-sections were ridiculously easy. With Zoey we had to use general anesthesia because we couldn't get the spinal in- but the healing aspect was pretty much painless. McKenzie's incision opened up, but again, painless. The actual surgery was SO easy from start to finish. So easy in fact I didn't know they had started until I heard those first cries!

Brenton's? Whew! The c-section sucked. I felt every sensation, every tug, and had to use IV pain meds in addition to the spinal because one tends to freak out when they know exactly what's going on behind that blue sheet!

I still have an infection in my incision. My nipples are probably scarred for life; they're proof of our desperate attempt to breastfeed and apparently unsuccessfully.

Brenton is 16 days old and still jaundice. Though his levels per a test yesterday is still within the "safe zone!" He's just now back to his birth weight of 8 pounds, 12 ounces. Which makes me again think that his lazy suck and latch is the direct culprit of the never ending jaundice and slow weight gain.

So, with all that craziness, we are SO happy to be DONE! No more babies! We're closing the baby making chapter of our lives to focus on the baby raising chapter!

Two happy progress notes? I am down 20 pounds! Woot! And B's penis has healed perfectly from his circumcision. Hope he doesn't hate me 15 years from now for talking about his little "man part!"

Big Sisters Rock!

2010-10-12T22:40:00.002-04:00

Kenzie loves, loves, loves, Brenton. And while her constant kissing, shushing, rocking, touching, prodding, can get annoying- it's absolutely adorable. It melts my heart.She is totally in love with him. I can only pray that their relationship and bond continues to grow as they both grow.

We are truly blessed.

A day of doctor visits-

2010-10-11T21:20:00.004-04:00

Brenton had his first pediatrician appointment today. He is only 3 ounces less than his birth weight now. This made my heart smile. He's growing off his Mama's milk. We've really had some rough days wit nursing. I never imagined something so "natural" could be so, so, hard. His latch has improved about 90%, he's going 2 hours between feeds(day and night) and overall is a pretty happy little guy.

Pedi was really pushing the Hepatitis B vaccine. We're opting for a delayed vaccine schedule this time- he'll get fully vaccinated; however, just a bit slower and less vaccines given at each doctor visit. I'm sure the doctor didn't like that choice- but that's life, right?

His circumcision is scheduled for Thursday. As stated previously we couldn't do it at the hospital because I was nursing him and he had to go without food. Thursday is his 8th day of life, which is when it is said to be done per Biblical standards. Duane also read that this is when the blood clots independently.

I made an appointment at my OB office today as well. I had some gunk coming from my c-section incision. Apparently, the wound is trying to re-open on it's own. This happened with McKenzie and I ended up with a silver dollar size hole and had to pack it with gauze to force it to create a scar. I have to go back in a week and if it's STILL leaking then they'll reopen it to allow it to drain and heal. Lovely. Praying to the good Lord above that this will NOT have to happen!

This c/s has been by far the worse. From the start of it(pulling, lots of sensation, a high spinal block) to healing- it has been what MOST people describe c/s to be. However, for me, my other two were SO easy with very little pain. I am still on pain meds and still crying in pain. Ahhhh!

Adjusting

2010-10-10T06:04:00.002-04:00

Brenton is 3 and a half days old. He's adjusting well to being at home.

He's eating well, though I am quite sore because of his latch is lazy. This too shall pass.

He's giving me 2-3 hour stretches at night and he's eating every 2 hours during the day.

McKenzie is trying to adjust. She wants to hold, stroke, kiss him ALL day long. She's also refusing Daddy and wants me- which makes things a tad difficult considering her brother is usually attached to me. So we've dealt with a lot of breakdowns for her. I think we've decided that she'll stay in daycare for a few days a week to give us both a nice break!

My friend who is a lactation consultant is coming today to work on getting a wider latch out of him. Hopefully, this will work and he'll stop causing me to curl my toes every time he latches on.

Brenton's first doctors appointment is Monday. Because of a feeding screw up he wasn't circumcised in the hospital, so we'll discuss that with his pedi. IF Duane really wants it done he'll take him to my OB to have it done- if not, we'll leave it alone.

Welcome Brenton Isaac

2010-10-07T00:21:00.004-04:00

Brenton was born today, Wednesday, October 6th 2010 @ 3:41 PM. C-Section got off to a late start. Kenzie is in LOVE with him!

He weighs 8 pounds, 12 ounces and is 20 inches long. He's nursing well- though seems to prefer tiny meals every 30 minutes vs a good meal every few hours.
I am tired and overwhelmed. Quite sore this time around, too.... Feeling Oh so blessed.

Dentist, Zoo's, and Brother's.... Oh MY!

2010-09-11T20:57:00.002-04:00

Wednesday was McKenzie's first dentist appointment. I LOVED the staff. They were super patient- the doctor was VERY friendly and gave us tips and pointers without me prying for it.

I wish I could say Kenzie had just as great of a time. She hated it. She bit him and me while he was looking around. Thankfully, her smile is cavity free and she won't need to go back for 6 months! Hopefully, she'll be over this whole fear of doctors and dentist and nurses and etc, etc, etc, by then! My work has a perk for the month of September- Free Zoo passes for me and a guest all month long! We've been several times. The first time we went it was just her Daddy and I. She begged and pleaded to go on the merry go round and then REFUSED to ride it(see few photos down). So she sat in the handicapped seat. Oi.

The 2nd time we went after her dentist appointment with a few friends and their kiddo's who are McKenzie's age. This time she asked to ride the horsey. Must have been positive peer pressure???

She LOVES the zoo. LOVES to see the monkeys. Refuses to touch the petting zoo animals, but was quite willing to touch a rooster. Uhmm, little girl, he'll take a finger off- the stinky goat wants the food only!

I never realized how wimpy she can be. Rides, characters, animals(other than cats and dogs), strangers, weird environments, and she's on me like glue. Thankfully, she typically warms up in a few minutes. She's quite apprehensive about her environment- it's almost like she has to soak it all in- ensure it's safe- and go for it.

She's the BIGGEST girly girl I have ever seen. She's slept in a tutu for about a week straight now- constantly ask how pretty she looks- and fights over wardrobe changes daily! It's insane!

Her brother is about 25 days away from making his debut. We're ready. I'm ready. She's ready. Though I am nearly positive she doesn't understand the role of big sister as well as she thinks she does.

Here we go! Hold on for a soon to be wild ride!

And he has a room......

2010-08-23T19:50:00.003-04:00

Duane finished the baby's room. In case you're having trouble reading his name will be Brenton(Brent for a nickname) Isaac.

I LOVE the room. The colors are great! We ran out of hangers hanging his clothes. His drawers are stuffed! All we need now is a baby BOY!!

McKenzie- You're 33 months old!

2010-08-22T12:37:00.002-04:00

Sweet Mercy Little Girl, you'll be 3 in 3 months(and 4 days since I wrote this a few days before your 33rd month)! It's all really hard to grasp. You've transformed from itty-bitty newborn, into a fast paced toddler, and slowly into a gorgeous little girl.

I say this nearly every time I write one of your letters and I'll say it again. You'll never fully grasp the concept of how much you've blessed our lives. They call babies subsequent to loss "rainbow" babies. You really are our rainbow baby. You're the calm after the storm. You're the reminder that God blesses us and loves us daily. You've taught as about what parenthood is really about. We love you. More than I can often wrap my mind around.

You have a sweet soul. You remain fiercely independent. You're wise and stubborn. You're feisty and hysterical. You can do something so wildly wrong and flash your gappy grin and we instantly forget the chaos you've just done. I suppose that's what being a two-year old is all about. We're on your roller coaster called life; we've hit lots of bumps and had some bruises and tears along the way- but we're enjoying this wild ride, little girl.

The last three-months we've had lots and lots of changes. The paci or "ginky" as you've lovingly called it is history. You could have cared less much to my shock. You sold that paci for 2 new toys and never looked back. Ironically yesterday you were reading a book about babies and you asked for the paci when you saw a baby in the book had one. You flashed this ridiculously ornery smile and said, "I'd like a ginky please!" You crack me up.

You've also moved from a crib into a big girl bed. You go to bed now(after weeks and weeks of fighting) without too much fuss. You often wake to sneak in our room. You REALLY want to sleep in your baby brother's bed. You think it's the best thing ever. We have to remind you that his bed is for babies and yours is for big girls. You remind us that you'd much prefer being a baby! *Sigh*

You talk a ton. You never seem to stop. You also sing. You insist that "Mary had a little lamb" is really "baby" lamb and nothing we say can steer you from this! Remember me telling you that you're stubborn? You sing your ABC's and can count to 20. I have to laugh and your pronunciation of the numbers once we're into the teens!

You wear undies 24/7 now and never have an accident. You're quick to point out when someone, "pee-pee's on themselves"

You're favorite food is eggs(dang recall) and cheese. Favorite shows are still Max and Ruby and Dora. Favorite color is pink. Favorite toys are dolls.

By the time we write your 3 year old letter you'll be a big sister. I cannot wait to see how you react to baby Brenton. You don't really get that my expanding baby isn't just called a baby brother- but there WILL be a baby brother in the house for you.

You wear his clothes, steal his diapers for your dolls, and use his things to be motherly to random stuff animals. I really hope this is indicative of what kind of sister you'll be. Please remember adding another person to our family means another person to love, not less love for you.

We love you to the Moon and Back!

Mama.....

Recent Pics-

2010-08-12T19:59:00.005-04:00

Family

2010-07-24T22:58:00.002-04:00

Yesterday my Grandfather died. He was 97, lived a fantastic, full, healthy life. With his death I realized that I no longer have any living grand-parents.

It has me thinking a lot about family. How ridiculously precious each unit is. Probably because Zoey's death "anniversary" is right around the corner. Four years.

I find myself flooded with the emotions that family brings. How amongst all the chaos some members bring(myself included) how each person makes us whole.

I think about Duane and McKenzie. I daydream of Zoey and her very important role(albeit short, but valued). I think how Brenton's birth will complete my own little family.

Each link has value- it can't be replaced. With death we learn how to adapt to their absence, but we never forget their existence.

Raising... Uhmm.... ME!

2010-07-11T21:08:00.002-04:00

Anyone who knew me as a little girl often reminds me that McKenzie's vivacious personality is a replica of what my Mother dealt with when raising me. She's independent to the core of her being and quite stubborn. She often goes deaf when we use the word "NO" and we quickly have learned that in 90% of situations the best way to deal with one her of many naughty behaviors is to ignore her.

Along with ignoring her we give lots and lots and lots(notice, lots) of praise for good behavior. So far this method seems to be working; however, we still have noticed a lot of gray hairs in both Duane and I head.

She's exhausting. But we love every inch of her wild, stubborn personality.

We're still working on getting her to stay in her own bed. Her bedtime routine is bath, teeth, bed. We're often seen quietly putting her back in bed- without a word. Just as soon as she's put in she's back out. And the cycle repeats. She's quickly 'assumed' that if she shuts the door when she pops out of bed that we'll ignore the fact that she's awake. She's wrong!

One day we'll be grateful for her strong willed personality. We won't have to fear about her being bullied or being a push over as she grows. Getting there though is a LONG road!

On a funny note from this weekend- in the last week she has seen 2 old pacifiers. Today she saw one in a drawer- she got SO excited. Exclaimed, "My Paci is back!" Oooh- the yellow one! Hurry up, put it in your mouth!" It never did make it to her mouth and it was quite comical to see.

Big girl bedroom

2010-07-03T14:07:00.002-04:00

We finished Kenzie's big girl room today! Wish us luck for bedtime. We're waiting on a cute decal for above her bed- but other than that we're done! Next is Peyton's room! Walls are a minty green. Hard to see that in the photos.

Another weekend down

2010-06-27T19:45:00.002-04:00

We had a pretty quiet, uneventful, weekend. We spent sometime at the park and the local springs. The water is ridiculously cold so we didn't attempt to venture out there. Although Kenzie was quite willing to try. In the above picture she was counting very enthusiastically. One. Two. Three. And she proceeds to jump, then subsequently fall into the mulch. Lovely.

I have a short work week. Kenzie was supposed to have ear tubes put in on Friday, but we've decided to hold off on those as she seems better. She's no longer complaining and the infection is gone. I am assuming her lack of paci over the last few weeks has helped in this area.

I'm 25 weeks pregnant with baby number 3. I feel HUGE this go around- but all is going well so far with the pregnancy. Baby sounds good- moves a lot- and we're all preparing for his arrival in early October!

A weekend of first

2010-06-13T21:06:00.003-04:00

This weekend we FINALLY lost the paci. She did better than expected, though she's still asking for it. She was rewarded with a trip to Toys R Us where she picked out a new slide and a new baby doll. Today we went bowling for the first time. She had a BLAST and caught on really, really, quick. She had to sit down and roll the ball between her legs- but she had a fantastic time!!

She's scheduled for ear-tube surgery on July 2nd. A bit worried, but this should eliminate the constant ear infections.

Photography

2010-05-31T12:45:00.002-04:00

My hobby-a constant work in progress!

McKenzie: You're two and a half years old!!

2010-05-31T09:40:00.002-04:00

I say this every time I write your quarterly letter, but it's true, and so hard to fathom that you're growing so very fast. In a short 6 months you'll be three! And you'll try your hand at being a big sister. I hope you love y0ur brother as much as you seem to love EVERY baby. You're still quite stubborn and I've come to realize that this isn't a phase, but it's you. We're Okay with that. You throw less temper fits now(though you surely haven't forgotten how to)! You're a riot to be around- constantly making Daddy and I laugh. You have become obsessed with only wearing jean shorts; you have a thousand cute outfits in your closets collecting dust. Part of the fun of having a girl is dressing her, so cooperate with me- mmm Kay?!

You're wicked smart and sweet. You really are showing empathy a lot. I cry and you hug me and tell me that it's OK and apologize(even when you have nothing to be sorry for)!

Your language skills have exploded. You use 5 word sentenced all the time now. You remember everything! You still have some pronunciation issues: Max and Wuby(for Ruby) Frea(for Dora) Ginky(for binky)- but we clearly understand you 99% of the time. I presume this is the reason for your improving behavior!

You are 100% potty trained. We still use a pull up at night- but most nights you wake up dry. This has made our lives so easy.

You know all of your colors, most of your shapes. You learn new songs daily at school(which you now love, by the way!) Your current favorite is the Bumblebee song(and you totally emphasize the "OW!" part). You have to say, "Good Bye, See you later- to all of your friends!

It's hard to explain how our hearts find room every day to love you more- but like an unexplained science, it does. You really are the reason we do every thing we do. As we welcome your baby brother in the next few months I worry about how this will impact you. But I imagine our hearts will learn to grow that much more.

We love you to the moon and back

Mommy and Daddy!

Little Ms. Independent

2010-05-30T09:42:00.002-04:00

Today McKenzie came from upstairs, handed me her yellow shirt and asked for me to assist her in putting it on.

Once it was on- she quickly hopped back onto the stairs, quickly walking back to her room. From about mid-way she shouted, "Thanks! Bye Mommy, See you later!"

Seriously? Since when does 2 1/2 mean 13 1/2??

Snakes, and snails, and puppy dog tails??

2010-05-15T14:45:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was our "BIG" ultrasound with our perinatologist. First and and foremost our little baby appears perfect. Nothing notable was noticed on the ultrasound. Except, well, a PENIS?!

A Boy?! This is new. I was totally ready to welcome another girl into our household- but our last little baby is a boy.

We're about 90% sure his name will be Peyton Issac.
A BOY. I am going to have a son! I am preparing for being peed on; lots of trucks; all things gross- and most certainly- all things BOY!!!

Cruise photos(Finally)

2010-05-07T20:51:00.003-04:00

There's a party in Heaven- year 4

2010-04-25T08:54:00.002-04:00

I am struggling to believe you'd be four today. I am surrounded by little kids who are your age, some who even share your birthday. It's bittersweet really.

It's been so long, but in the same breath so new. It is still so surreal that you'll never celebrate and Earthly birthday.

This time of year just sucks for me. I am constantly remembering the chaos that was your birth; I am reminded of those first few hours of your life. We were uncertain of your survival. Somehow you fought on.

I honestly never believed we'd be here. We're longing for what should be, and stuck with what is. It all seems so wrong for us. However, my faith reminds me of where you are- what you're doing- and most importantly who you're with. That is what faith is really about. I'll never see you again on "Earth-side" But I know without a shadow of doubt that we'll be together on Heaven's side.

People often feel sorry for your father and I. I presume this is because they cannot fathom the magnitude of this sort of loss. But we feel sorry for them because the vast majority of them never knew you while you were here. We can tell your story over and over again and people who lived through it(even without personally meeting you) get it. They know how incredibly brave and strong you are. They were touched by your beautiful spirit- and they remember you to this day.

The truth is we'll all ache for you for as long as we're apart. Our family with never be complete because its links were broken a long time ago- but we remain blessed. We're blessed because we knew you; we're blessed because we loved you. We're blessed because you made us better parents to your sister and new baby to come. We're blessed to be your parents- and though we wish fate would have went another way- we're content with this reality. There is an old saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" That is perfectly stated.

We love you and miss you! Each year we tell you to eat your cake with Jesus and this year is no different. Happy Birthday sweet Zoey Faith! We love you to the moon and back!

Mommy and Daddy

Easter Pictures-

2010-04-06T06:24:00.003-04:00

Just sharing photos- enjoy!

Happy Easter

2010-04-03T19:39:00.003-04:00

More photos tomorrow in her Easter Dress! Just enjoy the video of her "Painting" Eggs. She's been asking to paint for an hour afterwards!

Sweet Relief

2010-03-30T18:10:00.007-04:00

Today I took off work to go to a doctor's appointment. I've been nervous about this appointment for nearly 8 weeks when I made it.

It's one of those things that you dwell on and worry about for far too long. However, it went way better than I could have expected. Apparently, the Lord has really been listening and answering my prayers..

All that worrying over
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This perfect little BABY!

I am 12 weeks, 1 day pregnant. We started trying in January and got our positive on our first try. Please don't add to Duane's ego by telling him he's the MAN. Apparently, his sperm must be magnificent; It couldn't have ANYTHING to do with my egg, right?

We're due October 11th with a c-section a week prior. Today baby measured 13 weeks- was stubborn and refused to look face up- and had a perfect heartbeat of 164(d0wn from 180 at 9.2 weeks)!

Ahhh- feels good to let the cat out of the bag!!

McKenzie- you're 27 months old!

2010-03-19T12:26:00.003-04:00

I am embarrassed to admit this, but I nearly forgot to write this-until I read a friends blog who just wrote to her daughter- who is a few weeks older than you. Thankfully you cannot read and you'll have to forgive me. You still have a vivacious spirit. You're stubborn and bright. Not the best of combo's; however, your father and I are slowly learning to adapt to your personality. You won't grow up to be a push over. You'll stand up for what you believe in and I really couldn't have prayed for more than that.
In life we often adapt to what society expects us to be like. It's almost like we mold ourselves into something we're not just in an attempt to satisfy others needs before our own. I want you to be you. Always put God first and then make yourself happy. If you're not happy you can't make others happy. This is my long winded way to say I love you just the way you are- even through all the chaos!

You are talking up a storm now. Everything is "Mine!" You ask questions ALL the time. You are always asking for your favorite people: Auntie(TT), Kali(KiKi) and Emerson(Emmy)!

You know all your colors and your favorite is pink. Oddly enough it took the longest to learn as you insisted that it was red.

You know your some of you ABC's(especially if we sing along with you). You can count to 10. You can successfully open doors(and lock them)!

And the most exciting(For Mommy and Daddy at least) is you're potty-trained!! You wear your big girl undies to school everyday. You still have ONE accident a day there and we're not sure why as this isn't an issue at home. You're not night trained and that's not a big deal as you're still comfortably sleeping in your crib.

You LOVE Yo Gabba Gabba, Elmo, and Dora. You're favorite song right now is "Where is Thumbkin" You sing it ALL the time! You love, love, love to color or to "write." I am guessing you are trying your hand at your artistic creativity.

You favor your Daddy to me. You absolutely love him(I do,too)! You always want to cuddle with him and go to sleep in "Daddy's bed!"

In closing we love you. Our lives have changed so drastically since the day you were born and my heart is ready to explode. Through each of the bumps I am reminded how blessed we are to have you here.

We love you to the moon and back

Slacker

2010-02-13T20:14:00.004-05:00

I often find myself not posting because I don't have much to talk about. Kenzie recently removed half of my keys off my keyboard while I was in the bathroom. Can we say destructive. My mother reminds me that she is my punishment for putting her through toddler hell back in the 80's. It's been over twenty years and she still remembers! Maybe I'll remember to remind Kenzie how she deflated every last ounce of energy I had on a daily basis. She is the craziest kid I know; but she is also incredibly sweet. She's a BRIGHT kid. She studies everything and tries her hardest to figure the logistics of everything. She's a 30 year old in a two-year old body.

We're still mastering potty-training. She's trained at home(with VERY few accidents) and at daycare- but still isn't in full-time panties yet. Probably because when she's too busy to go, she goes in her britches and tells us seconds later that she's gone. She's pretty cute about the whole thing, "Oh, no... I pee pee in my panties! I go in the potty! Not my undies!"

I got a new fancy camera for my birthday. It's awesome! It's quite complicated and pretty pricey, but I am hoping to master this hobby shortly. Thankfully, I have a cute model- even if she is only partially cooperative.

Work has been physically and mentally exhausting lately. Hoping to take a vacation week shortly. I keep trying to remind myself that being employed in this crummy economy is Godsend.

All and all- we're doing great! Hope everyone enjoys the new pictures!

Lots of love,

A little update(minus pics).

2010-01-17T20:40:00.003-05:00

I cannot find my little camera. I think I lost it when we went to the park a few weekends ago. Which means McKenzie hasn't been photographed since- a long time in our world.

She is doing great. She had a few issues at school for biting. It was quite odd as I was ready to yank her out of the school because she was being bit; she decided if she couldn't beat em', why not join em?! She finally(fingers crossed) stopped. Partly because we prayed about it- partly because we showed her biting hurts- partly because we probably just got REALLY lucky.

She is doing REALLY well with potty training. Just today she REALLY started telling me when she had to go(rather than me constantly just taking her). When she goes number 2, she has to yell for EVERYONE that is home to see. She shrieks, claps, and dances- expressing her delight in what she has just done. It's probably the cutest thing ever. I think the attention she gets from it really gets her motivated to TRY to go poop at EVERY potty trip. Whatever works, right?

Duane and I are really, really, close to buying our first home. We're probably about two/three months away from this goal and I am psyched.

Work is chaotic and busy- but I really do like the new position. It's can be quite humbling listening to others hardships. Some of them are REALLY mind blowing.

That's it for now-

:)

Christmas Fun

2009-12-26T15:49:00.002-05:00

We had a great Christmas. It was perfect; we had lots of food, family and friends, and all and all great times.

Kenzie loved playing Dance, Dance revolution on the Wii. Notice that her "dancer" is in the red, meaning she isn't some dancing prodigy that was capable of keeping up with the arrows. We went out to dinner and it was rather chaotic. A little less than I had expected since she enjoyed her portable DVD player that Duane and I bought for her. It's an awesome toy.

She was REALLY into opening presents this year. It came out of nowhere and she even opened other peoples presents. The child has more new toys than I have room for.

She had a great Christmas eve; She stayed up far too late laughing with family. She proceeded to pass out on our couch after her bath.

It was a great Christmas. I almost forgot how fun Christmas was until you can see in the eyes of your child. So humble and appreciative of every single gift. Hoping everyone was as blessed as us this year.

McKenzie: You're two years old!!

2009-11-26T08:30:00.003-05:00

Two-years ago you came screaming into our lives. From the moment we heard those first cries we realized how blessed we were. You have restored our hope, our faith, and taught us more about life than your two-year old brain can even comprehend.

You're feisty, stubborn, and beautiful. You're the reason I wake up every morning. The reason I bring myself into a job that I don't particularly love. You're the reason for every life decision Daddy and I make. Over the last few months you've grown leaps and bounds. Learned more things that my mind can fathom. You're able to sing your ABC's up to G. You often stop at the H to sing, "Happy, Happy, Happy!" You make us, Happy, happy, happy! You're talking a TON. New words come daily now. You're favorite word is Candy. Daddy and I often laugh when you say, Cannny! It's super cute.

You're potty-training and doing better than I could have expected. You're almost completely trained at home and we're working on taking you out without accidents. You love wearing your Elmo panties and one of your first "real" sentences was, "I peeped on Elmo!" Elmo doesn't appreciate you soaking him, but we all found it pretty hysterical.

You've perfected the two-year old temper fit. You know what you want and how it's supposed to happen. If it doesn't, you protest. It often reminds me of something straight out of the exorcist, but we try to remain optimistic that this is your way of spreading your wings. You're probably the most independent child I have ever seen. This is a GOOD trait and I find my self reminding myself that God's grace is sufficient.

You're still OBSESSED with Yo Gabba Gabba. You also LOVE Elmo. You ask for them all the time. You're not particularly impressed with Sesame Street in general, but your eyes LIGHT up when Elmo appears. I'll never understand how this little red creature with a lisp attracts toddlers so much, but he does.

You sing, "Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle and Freeze" about a hundred times a day. There is something about that cast of characters that enthrals you. I have to admit, I find it oddly entertaining.

You're still hanging onto your paci. Despite what the world might say about you being too old for it, we're not ready to let this go quite yet. This is one of those shocker Mom moments for me. I'd never assume that I would have a two-year old with a pacifier. But something about that thing manages to calm you in your fits and helps you peacefully slip into a slumber.

You love it.

I still cannot believe I am here. Two years later. My life has changed SO drastically from where we were before your arrival. I cannot imagine life without your sweet soul in it. For every hard, trying, moment I try to remind myself of that.

I love you. More than I can even wrap my mind around. You test our patience daily, but without that you wouldn't be you. The world is your palette sweet girl. Paint your dreams and never let anyone tell you to change. As adults we often try to adapt to what others find "typical." There is nothing typical about you. You're perfection. You're my Sun on a rainy day. I am blessed to be able to call you my daughter. Happy, Happy, Birthday Sweet Girl.

Love you to the Moon and Back,

Mommy

Singing....

2009-11-23T18:51:00.001-05:00

Kenzie singing her ABC's up to G. :)

Just keep walking, Lady!

2009-11-22T20:46:00.000-05:00

We took Kenzie to have her two year old photos done this evening. They came out great and my wallet can contest to that! Anyhow, my sister came an hour later while we were viewing ours to have her family portraits done(those came out great,too)!

Kenzie had enough. She had NO nap today(though she did wake late) and started throwing a HUGE fit inside the photo studio. I walked her outside, tried timeout, and NOTHING was working. I took her outside, but realized it was a smoke factory out there so I moved back in, in a quiet corner, no stores nearby.
I put her down.. let her have her fit(on the ground, kicking, screaming, etc). Informed her that once she stopped crying we could go back in. JUST as she was at the end of her fit, this old woman with a toddler in the stroller rolls by. Loudly she says, "ATTENTION: TEMPER FIT AT WESTSHORE MALL!" What???

She proceeds to talk to my kid, explaining proper behavior, etc. I bit my tongue for a few seconds- and she proclaims.. "You see my Grandson here... He's not even three yet- see how well behaved he is being... Not like you.. You're not a princess.. You're a BAD girl!" That was it... I had it.. Lady- I am already annoyed with how my kid is acting.. and you're the icing on the cake. Sad to say I snapped that she isn't quite two yet- and she is running off of no nap and a long day. I shouldn't have to explain the reasons behind the fit, nor should you feel the need to stop and inform her how nasty she is being! So take your well behaved grandson out and leave me to MY kid. U

Ughhhh!

Adventures in potty-training

2009-11-13T18:09:00.002-05:00

We have successfully potty-trained McKenzie. She has very few accidents now. I think I may venture out in panties tomorrow(with lots of back-ups in our diaper bag)!

If we survive this weekend I'll send her to daycare in panties on Monday.

Wish us luck!

Ccchanges!

2009-11-08T12:27:00.002-05:00

Last night the health care reform bill passed in the senate. Surprise. Please don't speculate that I think our current plain is all roses and daisies; however, it seems a little much for my liking. My friends in Canada and the UK remind me often of waiting MONTHS to see a Primary Care Physician an and that just sucks(for lack of a better term). Government funded abortions make me want to vomit. Do what you need to do, but I don't think my taxes should have to fund your decision.

A friend of mine explained about vaccines being forced upon us. If we opt not to, we don't get coverage?!? Seems a little extreme, eh? I vaccinate McKenzie, but we've delayed several and rejected some.

I am all for some reform. However, I am quite happy investing in our health care and although I'll admit my family has decent coverage and that may make some believe my stance is bias; I also think some folks will take advantage of the situation. Why work for health care when we get it for "free."

I laugh when people refer to it as FREE. Who is it free for? Those who don't work, but can. Those who opt out of health care, but CAN get it. Remember folks, we have always had Medicare for our elderly, Medicaid for our children and poor. So who exactly benefits from this?

Enough political talk.

McKenzie has been running around stark naked today. She has successfully peed on the potty 4 times. Woo Hoo. The last time I assumed she didn't have to go(we sung wheels on the bus until my voice hurt). She went into the living room, sat her naked bum on my couch, and her eyes lit up. She RAN to the bathroom- insisted I sing AGAIN- and poof... PEE!! We hugged, kissed, kissed some more per her request, wiped a few hundred times- and flushed and waved bye bye to her Pee Pee. She then was rewarded with 2 M&M's.

Maybe, just maybe, she's getting the concept. The last potty session reminded me of that since she independently RAN back in there. Who knew going potty would involve such a song and dance(literally)!

Birthday parties and Halloween!

2009-11-01T18:15:00.003-05:00

Kenzie had a great time at her friends 2nd birthday. Soon her time will come. 25 days and counting.... She especially enjoyed the sandbox. She had sand in places, sand shouldn't occupy.

No fear at all with the bounce house. Loves it.

What nearly tw0-year old doesn't enjoy a cupcake?

Hayden as some random Star Wars guy. No idea which one as they're not on my top list of movies...

My sister as Marlyn Monroe

Me as a chubby 8o's concert girl. Still trying to brush out the tangles.

Bumblee bees all around!

Kali

Arabian

Kenzie

Angry Bee....

2009-10-19T20:34:00.004-04:00

After weeks of waiting for her costume; this coming after weeks of attempting to find the perfect costume... She. Hates. It. Not a little bit....
But a whole lot...

She seems satisfied being held

Hopefully, it'll grow on her in the next few weeks!

Weekend Rambels

2009-10-04T15:07:00.003-04:00

Saturday we went to see Hayden play baseball. As soon as I figure out how to combine the videos I took I'll make sure to add a video of his hit and subsequent base run. I have to admit, bias or not, he is stinkin' adorable in that uniform and he plays really well for being such a little guy.
My sister and I also took our parents out last night for their 30th wedding anniversary. This is huge. The fact that they're still married is amazing enough, but thirty ears is pretty darn impressive.
Kenzie is learning leaps and bounds every. single. day. She has learned a handful of new words over the weekend. Inside, outside, Elmo, baseball, Fire Truck(ermm, fire fruck), just to name a few. I know this is the "sponge" age and all, but it simply amazes me watching her figure out the smallest of things.

Today is all about football. I am not doing so well in Fantasy Football today; however, for a small second I actually thought the Buc's may win today to help sponge up some of that sorrow. Not a chance; they're trailing. AGAIN.

Just a friendly reminder if you haven't submitted a recipe and a memory for Zoey's cookbook- tomorrow is the deadline. If anyone is interested in purchasing a cookbook they're 20 dollars with shipping.

Ughhh...

2009-09-28T00:33:00.001-04:00

Fever. Again.

Enough said.

Zoo Day

2009-09-06T14:39:00.003-04:00

Today we went to the zoo. I know this is totally against my whole animal in captivity thing; however, making your kid happy tends to surpass that belief. We still have no plans on ever visiting the circus. My work offered free passes for me and a guest through the entire month of September, so we met some friends and off we went. Kenzie's favorite part was the jungle gym. She has decided that if it doesn't bark or meow she isn't touching it. I can't blame her really. However, she has saved us some dollars for her birthday party as we know a pony would not entertain her.

She loved sitting in her friends stroller. It is a pretty cool ride. I may be able to justify buying one if we had more than one baby- but for now she'll have to pitch a ride when she visits with her buddies.

We were able to feed the giraffes'. This was MY favorite part. Their tongues literally wrapped around my whole hand in an effort to get the cracker. I wanted to kiss them. I tend to think they may not have obliged my request.

Duane tried effortlessly to get McKenzie to pet the pony. He was really sweet. He constantly nibbled and grabbed Duane's clothes. I assume he wrongly speculated that we had food. Sorry, buddy!

All and all it was a good time. So much so that Kenz is enjoying a long nap. Life is good.

Complex thoughts....

2009-09-05T14:53:00.000-04:00

I can vividly remember the anger I had with God after Zoey died. We(meaning Duane, my family, myself) were his faithful followers after all. I sat by her bedside in the hospital praying to him, wishing for one of those miracle healing that I had read about.

It never came. I watched baby after baby be discharged. Listen as parents received hopeful news about their babies... and we sat.. waiting, praying, hoping.

I used to rationalize with her condition. She must be SO special to God. She's going to grow up and use her stories to be a witness for his ways. She would have a beautiful testimony after all.
7 weeks after she was discharged and was thriving, I'd often tell people about how I had NO idea why God made her with a broken heart. I had no reasons for her many medical issues. However, I know that God knows I couldn't possibly live without her.. I would lose it.. I would die... She had purpose and her testimony was bringing the most unfaithful people into God's house to pray. I was grateful for her.

That late July day where she begin to struggle to breathe and the ambulance workers whisked her away to safety... I prayed. I was on my knees as the police came in... On my knees yelling and shouting at the lord to save her... Please work a miracle.. Please allow her tiny little heart to beat again...

We arrived at the hospital only to learn that no miracle had been performed. She wasn't coming home this time. Our lives would forever change in less than an hour. We went from a family of three to just us again. The evening we came home everything so empty.
I remember going into her room.. Shouting, yelling.. So angry with this circumstance. Why me, Lord? Why us? Why not the mothers I read about who obviously don't love their children. Why not the mother who has multiple babies the cannot afford and seem not to care about. Why not the mother who opts to party through life, shuffling their babies from one sitters to another... Why us?

I had a plethora of questions for him. None of which ever seemed to have an answer. Today, three years later, I don't care about the answer. I look to the skies and realize that one day I'll have my sweet girl again. I often think about asking God at Heavens gates about why he decided he needed her more than us. Today that doesn't matter. I am sure once we get there the only thing I'll care about is how happy I am to be reunited with her again.

I was talking with my sister who made a VERY valid thought. It made perfect since. I asked her the same thing, "Why us?" And she said why NOT you. At first this angered me. However, I looked at the complex question and came to realize that in some odd way she was right. At least for me. Somehow in all the heartache I have come through this loss. My faith stronger than ever. Zoey's testimony is MY testimony and I share about her ALL. THE. TIME.
I think that maybe, just maybe, God knew that those "horrible" mothers I mentioned before couldn't REALLY deal with this sort of loss. That maybe he knew that somehow I'd make it through and work harder than ever to regain my trust and faith in him. That maybe, just maybe, those other mothers would fall of the track completely... They'd lose faith.. and ultimately lose him. And although that brings little comfort my hunger to be with our daughter again.. it makes sense. God really did understand that I would be able to come out of this grief and still sing his glory. Maybe, just maybe, the other Mother wouldn't.