Brenton- You're one year old today!

Happy first birthday, gorgeous boy! It's surreal that you're a year old. This time last year we had just met for the first time and I was in love the second I saw your beautiful face. You're such an amazing little guy. You're sweet to the core and already becoming too independent for me.

You're walking everywhere and into everything. You have 7 teeth. You're getting ready to lose the bottle. You're babbling all the time and talking with hand gestures. You become a bit irritated when I don't understand what you're asking for. It goes something like this: [arched eyebrows]-"Abbabdanmmmaa" [hands going a mile a minute]. And then you finish with whining when I ask again what you're trying to say.

You still do not sleep through the night. Please, please, please, make this your next milestone. I love you, but your face loses a bit of its cuteness at 3AM.

You're so innocent and beautiful. I can only hope that you hold on to this trait for a long time. My wish for you is to continue to view the world as beautiful. Don't ever hold a grudge and never hold hate in your heart. I want you to put God first and never, ever, forget to love.

I love you. I love what you've brought into our lives. I love how you completed our family in ways I didn't realize were possible. You're amazing, kind, vivacious, and beautiful. People are blessed to meet you and I know you'll conquer your dreams without too much effort.

I look forward to watching you continue to grow. I've watched you blossom from a tiny newborn, into a beautiful infant, and now into a spunky toddler. I am looking forward to the years to come and holding your hand through it all.

I love you to the moon and back, Mama!

First

Yesterday I took McKenzie to her first movie. "The Lion King" in 3D. I was worried about how she'd handle sitting for nearly 2 hours. But she did great.

It was so surreal to watch a movie I LOVED as a little girl, with my little girl. And I never remembered how emotional it was. I cried at several times, but especially in the first five minutes when Simba is presented to the "World"

I am glad that our sweet girl can file this away in her memories forever.

Brenton- You're 11 months old today!

Happy 11th month sweet boy! We've been busy around here planning for your first birthday party. It's hard to believe it's only one month away! You've been really busy learning lots of new things in your 10th month. You're quickly leaving your infancy behind and venturing down the road of toddler hood faster than I'd like.

 The most exciting  milestone is you've mastered walking. You almost never crawl and can get yourself into a standing position without holding on. It's pretty neat learning you master this feat. You're not too sure what to think about shoes quite yet. You cry and try to pull them off your feet. I assume it's  because you realize that you're MUCH faster without them on. You surely don't want something slowing you down. I on the other hand, does.

You're also finally saying Mama. It's the sweetest sound I've ever heard and you use it when I am trying to get you away from something you're not supposed to have. When I pull you away from something, you look at me with your big blue eyes and say, Mama. It's almost like you're saying, "Come on lady,  give me a break, would you?" You babble all day long. You talk with your hands in this really fast paced language. We're all expected to understand what you're saying. Daddy and I have fun pretending what you mean. Ha.

You've sprouted a ton of teeth. You are now working on your 8th tooth. You literally went from 2 teeth, to 8 teeth over night.

You still love food. I haven't found anything you won't eat. You're giving up your bottle and this is good as this is your last month to have one. You're still loving your pacifier and we'll battle losing that a little bit later.

You still don't sleep through the night. Sigh. That's all I have to say about that.

 You are the sweetest baby. Ever. You almost never complain and you prefer to explore independently. You allow me to cuddle with you lots and since you're my last baby I love that. You love laughing and I hope that isn't something you forget as you get older. Laughter really can cure all things.

You love your sister and your puppy. I love watching you get excited when Daddy comes home from work. You try to run as fast as those chubby legs take you. It's the simplicities of life that I live for.

You love your baths. You splash a ton, stand up, and slide around the tub like a mad man. I often leave the bathroom soaked, but watching how happy you are makes it totally worth it.

As you leave your babyhood in the dust I am trying to savor the moments of you. I love rocking you to sleep and watching your chubby, dimpled hands, grasp my shirt. Your smile melts me. Your touch inspires me. I simply cannot imagine our lives before you and I look forward to watching you grow. It's a bit bittersweet as I know you're our last baby and while you seem to be in a rush to race out of your babyhood; I am left in the dust, wondering how did you manage to grow so fast.

I love you sweet boy. You complete our family. I love you for your beauty, for your innocence, and your sweet soul. I am eager to watch you grow into a beautiful man, but I am just as eager to hold onto the little pieces left of this time. I know one day I'll blink and be left wondering how fast you grew- but until then, know that I am proud of you. You and your sister make me strive to be a better person. And I thank both of you for that. You complete me. You humble me. You're amazing. And I love you.

I love you to the moon and back,
Mama

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Brenton: You're 10 months old.

Happy 10th month, little guy. Hard to believe that you've left the single digits behind. In 2 short months we'll be celebrating your first year. What a fun 10 months it has been. You're still super passive. You don't complain much. Which is nice because your sister is far from passive. I imagine over the next few months you'll learn how to protest, too. I am holding onto your sweetness a bit longer.

In your ninth month you've learned to cruise and cruise fast along the furniture. You're walking well holding onto walking toys and even venturing into taking random, independent steps. You're growing far too fast for me. You've grown another tooth(now 3) and another is on the verge of popping through. You haven't batted an eye during teething. You still do not sleep through the night except for sporadic occurrences. Please make this your next milestone. Thanks. You love food. ALL food. You'll yell, pound your fist, and shake your head "no", if someone eats anything in front of you.

You're saying Dada, Baba, Nana, Papa. All of these are just random baby babble, of course. In case you missed the word that is missing, I'll spell it out for you. M.A.M.A! Throw me some love soon, Okay? You only say Mama when you cry. It sounds like Maaaaaaaaaa! It's funny how you're already manipulating!

You simply amaze me. Motherhood makes me strive to be a better person every single day. And I thank you and your sister for that. As adults we often forget how to look at the world without prejudice and you remind me to do that, even if it's just every once in a while. My biggest wish for you is you never forget that the world is mostly kind. That everyone deserves love. And to love. Love God, Yourself, and the strangers along the way.

I love you to the moon and back,

Mama

5 years in Heaven

I'm late writing this years anniversary letter. I typically figure this stuff out in the wee hours of the morning. This year I've been thinking about what to say all day in my head. I was worried about sounding repetitious. You know, the same old, "I miss you" that I sputter every year. But, I am afraid that your letter this year will sound a bit redundant.

I do miss you. Every year that passes I miss you a bit more. I miss what should be, but isn't. My mind this time of year is plagued with memories of your death and I hate it.

It's a bit different for your birthday. I try to remember the moment I became a mother. I remember the smell of my first baby, the sounds you made, and these memories often trump the heart ache that follows.

The anniversary of your death is so vastly different. I remember that day like it just happened two minutes ago. I remember how you smelled those last few hours of your life. I remember your sweet little outfit and how you kept kicking of your shoe at the doctors office. And mostly, I remember the minutes and then seconds leading up to your death.

The flash backs of standing in the hospital hallway are overpowering. I can hear that strangers voice, a doctor, telling me you had left us. I remember standing there, falling to my knees, and the room blurry- nothing else noticeable except the words coming from that mans mouth.

I remember the look on your Daddy's face. Heartbreak. I remember how it felt. A soul changing moment in our lives. In every ones lives.

Sweet baby girl, I miss you. My heart aches that we cannot watch you grow and it rejoices for where you now are. People often say time heals all wounds. And while time surely changes the way we perceive death, your Daddy and I still miss you. We still ache for you. And we still very much wish the circumstances of your life were different.

It's really, really, unfair. It's unfair that your little sister thinks a ladder can bring her to Heaven to play with you. It's unfair that you were born with a body that was against you from the start. It's unfair that we'll never watch you grow old. But life is filled with things I'll never understand. I've come to a point in my faith that God knows more than me. He always has. It's taken me some time to grasp the concept that why I don't understand why you were born with obstacles to overcome- and then subsequently die as a result; I've come to the understanding that it's not my place to know. Now.

I hope that somewhere in Heaven you can hear us talk about you. I hope that you understand that while five years has passed, that we still very much miss and love you. And I long for the day that our family is hole again. Right now, without you, it's always, always, missing an irreplaceable link.

Love you and miss you to the moon and back our sweet, Zoey Faith.

Mama

Brenton: You're 9 months old

Happy 9th month, Sweet boy. You're three-Fourths of the way to 1 year. And I am seriously slacking on photos of you. I did take your monthly photo, but I am too lazy to upload it.

You're such an awesome little guy. Your personality is busting out more each and every day. You're sweet, feisty, and lovable. You're all things boy and I love it.

This month you've learned to pull to a stand(and fall, lots). You've also learned to stand unsupported for brief periods of time. You are often letting go and become shocked at yourself at what you're doing. It's adorable.

You've ditched baby food completely. You love, love, love to eat. And at an ounce shy of 22 pounds, it shows! I simply love all of your chub.

You love your sister. You love getting into everything and anything. Today, at your doctors, I had to scoop a dead beetle out of your mouth. I nearly threw up. You smiled. Sigh.

You still wake up a million times a night. If you learn to sleep through the night soon, I will buy you a car. Thanks. You love your blankey and love being rocked to sleep. You love playing peek-a-boo.

Motherhood simply amazes me. I look at you in awe. I am amazed that I was able to create such a perfect, beautiful, little soul. You make me a better person. You amaze me. Keep being you. My biggest wish for you in this world is view the world as you do now. Forget the sinfulness that surrounds our world. Love people. All people. Love God. Love yourself. And always, always, always, be a voice to be heard, not just for you, for the voiceless.

I love you. So, so, so, much. You're my amazing, chunky little man.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mama