Proud of my little ballerina

Yesterday was McKenzie's Christmas recital for dance. At the very start(back in June) of class she was so, so, shy and apprehensive about being around people she didn't know and performing for them, nonetheless.

Every week I asked her if she loved dance. She always replied yes. In fact, she withdrew from gymnastics because she said she really disliked it(She has since changed her mind and is back enjoying gymnastics!) And every week she'd cry when I first left her. Her Dad and I had talk after talk about being in ballet meant that she could not  have me in there. It is a rule of the class that Mom's are not to be in class(it's pretty distracting having mommy there, right?) and we told her that if she wanted to be in class she had to go in and be independent. A few weeks in and her tears turned to smiles. She'd still act a bit shy in the beginning, but would go in without tears.

Her first recital was for Halloween. She went on stage. And was VERY unsure about the whole thing. But she went on. And she did some of the dance.

I've always told her that IF you want to be in dance(she does) that being on stage is apart of it. If she opted to not go on stage, or perform in front of people, we'd find a new activity that didn''t require these things. She insisted she wanted to learn to be brave.

Over the last few weeks I've watched her go from a bashful, thumb in mouth, little girl to a spirited, confident dancer. She ALWAYS loved dancing, but as soon as the parents would come in to be a "practice audience" for the upcoming show her thumb would go in mouth and she'd dance- slowly. Now she dances. With a smile. And I can't help but beam with pride that she didn't let her fears stop her. I feel like Duane and I did something right- letting her know that A plus B = C(Class, dancing, show!)

Last night she went on stage. No tears. No arguments. Smiles. She danced her little heart out and did the ENTIRE dance without missing a beat. I cried. I watched my normally cautious soul become confident and I cried.

My little "Dominik the Christmas Donkey"

I am so, so, proud of her. You can view her here. It's a Facebook link(though should work for everyone, I hope!). She's the last on the right and the video is craptastic. My mom taped it, too, but taped the wrong kid. Mom. Sigh.

Pretty new dresses

A friend of mine recently purchased a dress for her little girl. They're called Hopscotch dresses. And I fell in love. I bought two for McKenzie and she wore them for the first time to my niece's sweet 16 party.

Kenzie instantly found this little guy(A friend of my sister's son) and decided  it was time for them to be BFF's. He's simply adorable, isn't he?

 And a family shot- minus me!

Justin Bieber

Brenton is 14 months old and sporting the Justin Bieber hair. No, we're not ready to cut it.. YET.

Sweet dreams....

We've been successful. Kenzie is back in her room for the one billionth attempt. Hopefully, this time she'll learn to love sleeping independently as we love having her sleep independently.

Party photos!

She asked for a Sponge Bob party. We obliged. Even though she isn't even allowed to watch the foul mouthed, disgusting, sponge! She went with us to the cake decorator and explained exactly how she wanted her cake. It came out pretty cute! Even for a putrid little guy, right?! Ha.

 My Mother bought McKenzie her first American Girl baby. She is in love with this doll. It is worth its weight in gold. She swaddles it, loves it, and brings it everywhere!

 Cups.

 My 3 favorite people.

 Kenzie getting a Barbie. And little brother, Brenton, is excited for new presents, too!

 He's earned the nickname, Justin Bieber, due to his wild curly hair... He's pretty handsome, huh!

McKenzie: You're 4 years old!

Happy, Happy, birthday my sweet girl. Tonight you went to bed as a beautiful three-year old. Tomorrow you'll wake as an even more beautiful four-year old. It's surreal that you've grown so much and so fast.

As I remember your birth I am often flooded with emotions. When you were born, the second the doctor smiled and informed us that you were healthy, you brought healing. Your Dad and I decided to get pregnant with you. We put all our hope and love into the fact that you'd be born "perfect" and healthy. And you were. Oh, how we rejoiced. We finally had a baby God was going to allow us to raise and keep. You gave us our hope back. And for the past four years we've watched you develop into a vibrant, vivacious, beautifully curious, cautious, little girl. It's been a wild ride and we wouldn't change a single thing!

This year the biggest change for you was I quit my job(again) and decided to stay at home with you and your brother. This brought a mix of emotions for me as I worried about having you leave your friends and not being in a structured school environment. You've done quite well. We anticipate that you'll start part-time pre-school soon. You missed your friends at first, but have made lots and lots of new friends. You're happy and thriving. It's all I could really ask for!

Currently, you're in dance and gymnastics. You puffy heart love both. At first you refused to go into gymnastics so you hadn't been in quite sometime; however, a few weeks ago you decided to give it a second try and you've decided it's not too bad after all. You're VERY shy. In dance when I watch you through the glass, you're dancing away. You look so happy in there. But when the parents come in to watch you and your classmates perform "Dominick the Christmas Donkey" you freeze up. Your thumb goes in your mouth and you do your moves in very slow motion. I keep asking if you still want to be in there and you do. I hope one day you break out of that shy shell- the world has big plans for you and sometimes I feel like you're missing out because you're so, so, cautious.

Cautious is often a good thing. I want you to be cautious when meeting new people and when you're a crazy teen driver. But right now I want you to learn to spread your wings. You have lots of little fears. Rides? You're not a fan. Bugs? No thanks(can't blame you!) Cats and Dogs(you have some your LOVE and some that freak you out!)? My biggest hope for you is that you learn that I'd never suggest you do something that would hurt you. Sometimes when you're sitting on the sidelines, I worry that you're missing out.

You're a born leader. And this trait of yours is going to REALLY pay off in the near future(re:teenage years), but sometimes it is hard for you to understand that not everyone is going to want to do what you want to do. You remind me of me. You're stubborn to the core. I love that about you. And it makes me want to bang my head against a wall some days. Don't change it. Embrace it.

You're quite sweet and empathetic. You love your friends. EVERYDAY you ask to see one friend, or all of them. You're quite social. It's funny how shy you can be one moment and then telling the grocery store clerk ALL of our business the next.

I love watching you and your brothers relationship form more and more everyday. You love him. And he loves you. Sometimes you're annoyed that he NEVER seems to leave your stuff alone, but it's apart of sibling hood my sweet child. I hope you'll grow old and he'll remain your best friend!

You're still super picky. You survive of air most days. We had resorted to paying you to at least try your veggies. And after paying you a quarter to try spinach you replied with, "No, thanks, you can keep your money!" Goof. Try things. Really, most of the stuff we're trying to feed you is quite tasty. I promise.

You LOVE your babies. You rock them, feed them, diaper them. Every night before bed you ask me to swaddle a handful of them and you then lay them in your baby bed. It's really sweet. You're starting to love Barbies, too. You're a total girly girl and I love it. You love to learn. You're constantly trying to write your name. It's a long one so continue to be patient. You love to draw, paint, and color. And I love watching you create; however, I don't love the mess- but since you love it so much we continue to allow you to do it.

Here is your 4th birthday slide!

We love you. Happy, Happy, FOURTH birthday, Kenzie! Remember the sky is your limit. You have so much to offer the World. Dream. Every day. And reach for the stars. I want you to remember to have an open heart and open mind. I want you to love God as much as you do today, forever. Stay humble. Give. Forgive. And love.

We love you to the moon and back,

Motherhood. Huh?

I've been a Mother for over five years now. I've seen 3 beautiful children born; and I've said goodbye to one far too soon. And I am still clueless.

I'm not sure if there is some magical moment when all of this motherhood stuff eventually clicks. I know it hasn't thus far. I keep trying to find that answer. I keep trying to understand how the minds of little ones, my little ones, work. I'm oblivious.

It probably takes a lot to admit. Everything I had envisioned as a mother went out the window as soon as our first was born. And then our second, and our third. It's quite easy for me to say what I wouldn't do before babies. It was quite easy for me to "judge" others until motherhood slapped me in the face.

The idea of motherhood before motherhood is glamorous. I pictured beautiful babies, hugs, kisses, and love. I left out the temper fits, vomit, blow-outs, and sleepless nights(lots and lots of them.)

It's not easy. It's  not always perfect. And I struggle daily. I want to create confident children. I want to create little people that view the world as beautiful. I want to shelter them from the hate that floods our society. I want them to be open-minded. I want them to love God, their selves, and other people.

When I look into my nearly four-year olds' and my newly one-year olds' eyes I see beauty. Obviously, I think they're just the cutest little beings ever; but I see little impressionable minds. Those minds, those personalities, will form from the teachings of myself and their father. It's a big responsibility. I often wonder and worry about screwing that up(for lack of a better term.)

Sometimes I remind myself to sit back and watch the beautiful lives that we've been blessed with. The chores can wait. I can let this thing slide.  Zoey's death has taught me many things. The most important thing is tomorrow is not guaranteed. So I stop this busy world and watch. I love. And I cherish.  If my little girl does some obnoxious thing, I let it go. For now. Hug her, love her, all while creating the woman she'll one day be. If my one-year old is up a dozen times a night- I stop. Take a deep breath, and realize how lucky I am. He's healthy. He's beautiful. And these days will pass all too soon. Those late night cuddles will soon turn into worry when he's on his first date, driving his first car... I remind myself that sleepless nights suck. But they grow far too soon.

Although I am still completely clueless about this whole motherhood thing, I've learned to love another person more than I do myself. You love your spouse, obviously. However, the love between Mother and child is unbreakable. It never goes away. I still run to my parents at nearly 30 years old when someone breaks my heart. And they always make it right. That's all I can hope to be for my babies.

Figuring this stuff out can come later...