Two years ago I'd enter an operating room and after a botched epidural go to sleep to awake a mom. It was a totally different experience than I had been expecting. But, I was a mom nonetheless.
Zoey would be in the NICU literally fighting for her life. I'd be waiting for the go-ahead to be able to view my first born. Finally, hours after her birth, I'd view this little amazing person that hours before had been a beating heart inside me.
Her hair stuck up crazy. Her face was covered in tubes. She's be going into her first surgery in minutes. They thought she'd die on the table. She proved them wrong. She'd come out of that surgery- and undergo a major heart surgery and a handful of other procedures. She wanted to fight.
7 weeks in the NICU and CVICU she'd come home. They'd given her the boot. It was her turn to come home. Her real home. Everything had been ready for her for months. It sat there. Our chaotic life spending 12/16 hour days at the hospital was ending. Temporarily only as she had a handful more surgeries on her agenda.
She thrived at home. Smiled. Cooed. Even learned to roll over. She fought, showed us love, courage, endurance for just shy of 7 weeks before God finally called her home.
She died. Duane tried relentlessly to save her. Effortless. She was gone. We'd have to learn to live life with vital part of our family missing. Gone.
Her 1st birthday came and went- 1st death anniversary done. And here we are. She'd have been 2. The terrible twos. The sarcastic personalities of a toddler. The cute pigtails and mischievousness. One of my favorite stages. Gone.
Today we celebrate. Not with purchasing the perfect party dress and doing her hair. But to her site to leave flowers and balloons. Tomorrow the family we get together, just as last year, and celebrate a life that is no longer here on Earth but thrives in Heaven. I miss her. With every part of my being. I dread these days now.
So, to Zoey, my first little girl. You've taught me how to really love. How to give myself unselfishly. That love goes far beyond words and really sits in the depth of your soul. You've given us strength, help to rebuild our faith. To you we are grateful and proud. We love you. Happy, happy, birthday. My sweet toddler. Chase the balloons in Heaven, Eat cake with God. Know that we're thinking and loving you here. Until we're a family again..
2 comments:
Happy Birthday, Zoey! i'm sure you're enjoying watching over your little sister and are keeping her safe like a good big sister!
Lisa ~ my heart goes out to you. you are definitely one strong woman! take care.
Dear, sweet, Zoey. How sorry I am for not having reconnected with your mother six months earlier. I would have loved to meet you. Run my fingers through your spikey hair, seen your beautiful smile. Even those of us who never met you, still miss you.
Happy Birthday, Zoey! I hope its a special one.
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