Trying to find reason

April is a hard month for me. Zoey's birthday is at the end of the month and I often find myself thinking of her more than normal. That what-ifs and the guilt from that day in July come roaring back. All. Month. Long.

During church on Sunday our Pastor mentioned tribulations and praising God no matter where you are in life. He kept talking about the darkest hours having reasoning in God's eyes and plans for us. I agree. I do. He mentioned that we're often on the fifteenth step to Solomons temple. What he meant is that we'll find ourselves backsliding when we're almost out of our personal tribulation. We're this close to peace and we throw in the rag. We've failed and lost trust in God's promise for peace and happiness. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) I think this Biblical quote says it all. Stop questioning me. Trust me.
Our Pastor said that when we're knee deep in despair and facing struggles that we think no one else could possibly understand that we struggle to find reasoning. Then when it's over and our lives start to make sense again- it all comes together. Apparently, our creator knows what he is doing after all. He's thrown us into this fire to help us grow and depend on him. When I thought about the statement that it'll all come together and make sense tears flowed from my eyes. I kept trying to understand Zoey's death. Her life. Her birth. Her existence. The purpose behind her struggles to survive only to die. Then it came to me.. I may never grasp the concept of her death or the tribulations put on my life, Duane's life, those who loved her lives. God bringing her to Heaven wasn't to teach me something. It was just meant to be. From the time she was conceived, it was meant to be.

Zoey's been gone nearly three years and I think I have done a lot of growing in that time. My heart still misses her and our family will always be missing a critical link. However, I am blessed beyond reasoning to have been able to know her, nourish her, and love her. Our lives will never, ever, be the same. We're aware of death more than ever before. We've grown spiritually. My marriage has grown as a result. Even the way I parent McKenzie is a direct result of Zoey's life and death.

She is an amazing little person. She is loved by loads of people. And though my heart will continue to ache for our first little girl- I take comfort knowing that she is with our creator. Finally free from doctors, wires, pain,taking strides along Heaven's clouds and dancing with Jesus. Our lives are blessed beyond reason because she is our daughter.