Another year goes by

I've come to the realization that I don't need anyone else to recognize her soul. Not a single person ever needs to mention her to me anymore. I am satisfied with that reality. I finally grasp three-years later that it's an awkward conversation that most family and friends do not want to focus on.

I can focus on her. I can remember from our pregnancy memories together, to each happy day she graced us with her beauty, throughout her death, and throughout my life.. Until I take that very last breath God gives me.

I miss her. And somehow with time and grace I've learned to accept life without her physical beauty in it. I can remember her, love her, honor her. I can feel pride when her baby sissy points to her pictures and says, "Awww, Baby!" I can feel the bond they share without McKenzie having the vocal capabilities to share it with me.

It's the most surreal moments in life. Three-years can feel like an eternity and a second in the very same moment. Surreal. I've thought long and hard. Tried to rationalize the reasons for her life, death, the absence of a part of my soul. I've Begged and pleaded, screamed at God, Anger, and happiness, Tears and sorrow. I can remember the months after her death- the "pit" that I found myself in.. The pit I can STILL find myself in.

I've learned how to be happy despite my incredible misfortune. I've learned how to feel blessed, despite her absence. Three- years. A long time. A lot of thinking and contemplating. A lot of un-answered questions. Guilt, pain, fear, anger, sorrow- all the typical emotions after losing a child.

I can finally accept that she is gone from this Earth. That I'll never see that crooked bink- that crazy, wild hair, that silly smile- the determination on her face on this side again. I can find happiness that Yesterday's heartache isn't tomorrow's destiny.

Missing, Loving, longing, for my Sugar Butt. My sweet, beautiful, Zoey Faith.