Complex thoughts....

I can vividly remember the anger I had with God after Zoey died. We(meaning Duane, my family, myself) were his faithful followers after all. I sat by her bedside in the hospital praying to him, wishing for one of those miracle healing that I had read about.

It never came. I watched baby after baby be discharged. Listen as parents received hopeful news about their babies... and we sat.. waiting, praying, hoping.

I used to rationalize with her condition. She must be SO special to God. She's going to grow up and use her stories to be a witness for his ways. She would have a beautiful testimony after all.
7 weeks after she was discharged and was thriving, I'd often tell people about how I had NO idea why God made her with a broken heart. I had no reasons for her many medical issues. However, I know that God knows I couldn't possibly live without her.. I would lose it.. I would die... She had purpose and her testimony was bringing the most unfaithful people into God's house to pray. I was grateful for her.

That late July day where she begin to struggle to breathe and the ambulance workers whisked her away to safety... I prayed. I was on my knees as the police came in... On my knees yelling and shouting at the lord to save her... Please work a miracle.. Please allow her tiny little heart to beat again...

We arrived at the hospital only to learn that no miracle had been performed. She wasn't coming home this time. Our lives would forever change in less than an hour. We went from a family of three to just us again. The evening we came home everything so empty.
I remember going into her room.. Shouting, yelling.. So angry with this circumstance. Why me, Lord? Why us? Why not the mothers I read about who obviously don't love their children. Why not the mother who has multiple babies the cannot afford and seem not to care about. Why not the mother who opts to party through life, shuffling their babies from one sitters to another... Why us?

I had a plethora of questions for him. None of which ever seemed to have an answer. Today, three years later, I don't care about the answer. I look to the skies and realize that one day I'll have my sweet girl again. I often think about asking God at Heavens gates about why he decided he needed her more than us. Today that doesn't matter. I am sure once we get there the only thing I'll care about is how happy I am to be reunited with her again.

I was talking with my sister who made a VERY valid thought. It made perfect since. I asked her the same thing, "Why us?" And she said why NOT you. At first this angered me. However, I looked at the complex question and came to realize that in some odd way she was right. At least for me. Somehow in all the heartache I have come through this loss. My faith stronger than ever. Zoey's testimony is MY testimony and I share about her ALL. THE. TIME.
I think that maybe, just maybe, God knew that those "horrible" mothers I mentioned before couldn't REALLY deal with this sort of loss. That maybe he knew that somehow I'd make it through and work harder than ever to regain my trust and faith in him. That maybe, just maybe, those other mothers would fall of the track completely... They'd lose faith.. and ultimately lose him. And although that brings little comfort my hunger to be with our daughter again.. it makes sense. God really did understand that I would be able to come out of this grief and still sing his glory. Maybe, just maybe, the other Mother wouldn't.