There is a party in Heaven- Year 5.

Happy 5th birthday in Heaven sweet girl. I was just telling a friend that when I think about you being five it's so surreal to me. It's such a milestone birthday. It should mean Kindergarten and independence, but those things don't exist here on Earth for you. I still imagine what you'd be like now. If you'd be feisty like your little sister or passive like your little brother. I wonder what sort of things you would enjoy. It's hard to fathom that five years has passed; in the same breathe, it feels like just a split moment.

I still struggle with your absence daily. I feel sad for your two siblings who'll never fully grasp the idea of you. I feel sad for me and rejoice for you. I'll never understand why we're on this journey. I'll never fully grasp the idea of you being gone from this Earth forever. I am still waiting to awake from this nightmare. It's almost like I can still smell you, hear you, feel you. Then I wake up. I realize that your absence isn't a dream, but reality, and my heart breaks all over again.

The truth is I have come to terms with your death. I am not angry at God anymore. I have questions for him and I suspect he'll provide the answers when the timing is right. I love you with everything I have in me, but imagining what your life would have endured had you not soared to Heaven, is heartbreaking as well.

Now, I imagine you singing and dancing in the clouds. I imagine you free from the restrictions of the obstacles you faced while here. This seems to help the pain. Life will never be the same. Our family will always be missing our first baby girl. Your siblings will always be missing a sister and a friend. And that's not fair. Nothing on this Earth is fair, Zoey. Our world seems to be plagued by sickness and heartache. There are good things, too, though. And for those, I wish you were here to experience them. I wish we could be planning a big girl party. I wish we could be registering you for school. I wish you weren't born with a broken heart. I wish we weren't plagued with memories of your death. Mostly, I wish you were here. With us. Where you so rightfully belong. I miss you.

You simply amaze me. I watch babies fuss over the littlest things. And while I feel sorry for them as well it reminds me of how very brave you were. I am reminded all the time of your courage and grace. You're a testimony of strength and courage and love. I often here people say, "I don't know how you do it; I would just die if something happened to one of my children." This journey IS the hardest I have every had to conquer. I still struggle. Daily. But, it's something that had to be done. Not just for me, or your Daddy, or any of the people who love us both, but for you as well. I want people to sense your courage and strength through me. I want people to understand our love for one another. I want people to know you. I became your voice when your voice was silenced in death. I forever be your advocate. Death doesn't keep us apart forever. Faith and love teaches me that.

Your brother looks like you. And sometimes it's hard for me to watch him learn to do the things you couldn't do. But I know you're proud of all of us. I know that somewhere in Heaven you see us and it brings a smile to your sweet face. I have met some amazing people in this journey of grief. Even though our stories are different, it's comforting to find sol ice and peace knowing that we're never in this journey alone. I imagine you've made friends with some amazing babies: Aubrey, Logan, Luca, Keanu, to name a few.

I'll never, ever, stop thinking about you. I'll never, ever, stop loving you. You're my hero. The three short months you were on Earth molded me into a person I didn't even know existed. You've created the mother I am to your siblings. I'll never stop praising the Lord for giving me you. I'm forever grateful to him for the three-months he allowed us to care for you. You're my heart, my first born, my sweet, sweet, crooked binky, and wild haired, baby girl.

Happy, Happy, 5th birthday in Heaven, Zoey. Eat all the cake you want. Make a mess and lots of noise.

Missing and loving you forever,

Mama