5 years in Heaven

I'm late writing this years anniversary letter. I typically figure this stuff out in the wee hours of the morning. This year I've been thinking about what to say all day in my head. I was worried about sounding repetitious. You know, the same old, "I miss you" that I sputter every year. But, I am afraid that your letter this year will sound a bit redundant.

I do miss you. Every year that passes I miss you a bit more. I miss what should be, but isn't. My mind this time of year is plagued with memories of your death and I hate it.

It's a bit different for your birthday. I try to remember the moment I became a mother. I remember the smell of my first baby, the sounds you made, and these memories often trump the heart ache that follows.

The anniversary of your death is so vastly different. I remember that day like it just happened two minutes ago. I remember how you smelled those last few hours of your life. I remember your sweet little outfit and how you kept kicking of your shoe at the doctors office. And mostly, I remember the minutes and then seconds leading up to your death.

The flash backs of standing in the hospital hallway are overpowering. I can hear that strangers voice, a doctor, telling me you had left us. I remember standing there, falling to my knees, and the room blurry- nothing else noticeable except the words coming from that mans mouth.

I remember the look on your Daddy's face. Heartbreak. I remember how it felt. A soul changing moment in our lives. In every ones lives.

Sweet baby girl, I miss you. My heart aches that we cannot watch you grow and it rejoices for where you now are. People often say time heals all wounds. And while time surely changes the way we perceive death, your Daddy and I still miss you. We still ache for you. And we still very much wish the circumstances of your life were different.

It's really, really, unfair. It's unfair that your little sister thinks a ladder can bring her to Heaven to play with you. It's unfair that you were born with a body that was against you from the start. It's unfair that we'll never watch you grow old. But life is filled with things I'll never understand. I've come to a point in my faith that God knows more than me. He always has. It's taken me some time to grasp the concept that why I don't understand why you were born with obstacles to overcome- and then subsequently die as a result; I've come to the understanding that it's not my place to know. Now.

I hope that somewhere in Heaven you can hear us talk about you. I hope that you understand that while five years has passed, that we still very much miss and love you. And I long for the day that our family is hole again. Right now, without you, it's always, always, missing an irreplaceable link.

Love you and miss you to the moon and back our sweet, Zoey Faith.

Mama

Brenton: You're 9 months old

Happy 9th month, Sweet boy. You're three-Fourths of the way to 1 year. And I am seriously slacking on photos of you. I did take your monthly photo, but I am too lazy to upload it.

You're such an awesome little guy. Your personality is busting out more each and every day. You're sweet, feisty, and lovable. You're all things boy and I love it.

This month you've learned to pull to a stand(and fall, lots). You've also learned to stand unsupported for brief periods of time. You are often letting go and become shocked at yourself at what you're doing. It's adorable.

You've ditched baby food completely. You love, love, love to eat. And at an ounce shy of 22 pounds, it shows! I simply love all of your chub.

You love your sister. You love getting into everything and anything. Today, at your doctors, I had to scoop a dead beetle out of your mouth. I nearly threw up. You smiled. Sigh.

You still wake up a million times a night. If you learn to sleep through the night soon, I will buy you a car. Thanks. You love your blankey and love being rocked to sleep. You love playing peek-a-boo.

Motherhood simply amazes me. I look at you in awe. I am amazed that I was able to create such a perfect, beautiful, little soul. You make me a better person. You amaze me. Keep being you. My biggest wish for you in this world is view the world as you do now. Forget the sinfulness that surrounds our world. Love people. All people. Love God. Love yourself. And always, always, always, be a voice to be heard, not just for you, for the voiceless.

I love you. So, so, so, much. You're my amazing, chunky little man.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mama

McKenzie: You're three and a half years old.

Oh, baby girl! I cannot believe you're half-way to four already. So much so that I am a week late in writing this. It probably has something to do with the fact that I am in denial.

You're still very much in love with all things GIRL. You love, love, puffy heart love, your baby dolls. You steal Brenton's diapers so you can diaper your babies. You rock them, sing to them, and act like their mother. Recently, you asked for a new "real" baby. Sorry, kid, this factory is closed. You're probably the pickiest eater I have ever seen. You hate most meats(minus chicken and ground beef) veggies are a foreign object, and you turn your nose to nearly everything I cook. I still place the meal on your plate and encourage you to try it. You'll respond quite quickly with, "Sorry, Mama, I am just not hungry!"
You're slowly outgrowing your shyness. You still take a bit to take in your surroundings, but you will eventually let go and explore. You're a cautious soul and I like that about you. You love being around people. You're quite social for being "shy."
Speaking of cautious: You're afraid of lots and lots of things. Remember me saying you loved all things GIRL? Well, you're taking this to a whole new level. Bugs? Freak you out. Fast rides? Uhmm, no thanks. Heights? You'd rather not. You have many, many, fears. Most of them are pretty unrealistic, but I realize that this is just you so we're taking it with strides. You overcame your fears of fast rides for a split moment and rode a tiger ride at the zoo with a friend a few weeks ago. You were SO excited to get on and ride. Well, I stood there nearly in tears watching you come around. You were quite obviously terrified. And the goofy ride raced around 3 more times before I was finally able to rescue you. You'll probably never ask to go on that ride again. And while I laugh now, I felt so, so, bad for you.
You're leaving your toddler hood behind and turning into a beautiful little girl. You still have more sass and energy than I can handle most days. But I love you for it. Sometimes I think you're more like 3 going on 30, than just 3 and a half. You have an answer for everything. You're an independent soul. And I love every bit of this wild ride that is you.
Sometimes in life people expect you to adapt to what they assume is the norm. I don't want that from you. I want you to embrace the world and be you. Anyone who doesn't see the beauty that is you isn't worth changing for.

I love you to the moon and back,

Mama

Brenton: You're 8 months old today!

Sweet chubby bubby. You're 8 months old today. I sound like a broken record, but I cannot believe how fast you're growing and changing. You've learned lots of new tricks this month!
You've started sleeping in your crib. Daddy and I took down the pack and play and went in full swing with this new step. However, you only last until for a few hours and then you beg, plead, cry(read:cry), to come back in our room. Since you're so cute and I am not one to let you cry it out, you often end back in our bed.

We just got your sister back out of our bed a few months ago. It's almost like we've replaced her body in my bed with yours. Every night we try to keep you in there and one day, Sir, you'll have to learn that your bed is WAY nicer than mine! Until then I'll continue to enjoy the late night snuggles.
A few weeks ago you learned to go from your belly to sitting. A few days later(on the exact same age, to the day as your sister), you learned to move your little arms and knees and crawl. Today? You're everywhere! And into everything. Cords, your favorite. Shelves, yep, destroy them. I forgot how insane it was to have a VERY curious, mobile baby. But, I love watching you discover new things.

You've been trying to pull yourself to a stand, too. You can get yourself about half-way up before you give up and become frustrated. But while you are discovering the world on your hands and knees, can you please take a second to slow down. I'd like to savior your baby moments just a little while longer.


We've moved you out of your bucket car seat and into your "big boy" seat. You're a hefty 21+ pound baby and carrying you was more than I could handle. You love sitting in your new seat and it fits you pretty well. You especially love riding in carts, being carried by me in your carrier, and "people watching." You must be one of the most nosiest babies I know. Wonder where you got that from?

You're eating tons of table food now. Pieces of banana's and steamed peas are a favorite. You love feeding yourself. It makes Daddy and I a bit nervous as you totally chipmunk cheek everything. I assume you think the food will go away faster than you can shove it in your face. No one is going to steal your food, sweet boy.

You're babbling up a storm. I hope this isn't a sign into another toddler that NEVER stops talking. You're favorite "word" is Dada. I haven't heard Mama yet and if you love me, even a little bit, please humor me and say it. Thanks.

I cannot believe you're already 8 months old. It simply amazes me how fast your infancy is flying by. You remain to be the most laid back, sweet baby. And I love it. I love you more and more everyday. Every part of you makes me value life more. You're my sweet, chubby, baby boy. And I heart you.

Love you to the Moon and back,

Mama

Image that will for sure make his Senior yearbook page.

I think he is saying, "Mom. Seriously?! You stick me in the grass, in the nude, and you then have the audacity to snap photos?!?" He's simply irresistible? Is anything cuter than man boobs, back rolls, dimpled hands, on a cute barely 7 month old?

Brenton: You're 7 months old today

Happy 7th month my sweet chubby boy. Your 6 month flew by before I knew it and I nearly forgot that today you turned 7 months old. I just told someone yesterday at the grocery store that you were 6 and a half months old. I am obviously in denial about you getting so big, so quick!
You remain my sweet and laid back little guy. You love, love, love, your sister. She's constantly playing with you(sometimes a bit rougher than I'd like) and you light up. You watch her every move and I hope you're not learning how to be naughty. *wink* Lately, you're really objecting to not getting your way. If we take something from you we get the below result. You LOVE food and beg and smack your lips EVERY time we eat. We often give you bites of our food, but the bites cannot come quick enough for you and you often scream and shake your hands. It's pretty hysterical.
Today you FINALLY learned to roll in both directions. I've seen you roll from belly to back since about 3 months old, but you sort of just stopped doing this. Today you've been rolling over and over again. You're also trying very hard to get up on all fours. You can push your arms ALL way up, but you haven't figured out to get both your knees up and your arms up together. I am thinking that my thought process of you never learning to crawl may very well be incorrect. Dang. Two mobile kids in my near future!

You're saying, "Dada" and "Baba" randomly. You're sitting like a pro. You put EVERYTHING in your mouth and you're starting to attempt the pincer grasp. You've changed quite drastically in the last 7 months. I love watching you learn new things, but it's hard to watch you become independent. You're my last little baby and I suspect you'll be grown before I know it. I am enjoying your open mouthed, slobbery kisses and cuddles with you while you still allow me to have them.

You're constantly getting attention where ever we go. People care always stopping me to tell me what beautiful children I have. It makes me beam. You have this look about you that makes me think you're wise beyond your years, a real mature look about you.

I still cannot believe how much joy your little self brings me. I love you more and more everyday. You're hysterical and sweet. You seem to be WAY more passive than your sister and I appreciate that. One feisty kid is plenty for this household. I have a billion dreams and hopes for you and I cannot wait to watch you do them.

You own my heart little guy and I love you more than I can ever manage to express.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mama.

There is a party in Heaven- Year 5.

Happy 5th birthday in Heaven sweet girl. I was just telling a friend that when I think about you being five it's so surreal to me. It's such a milestone birthday. It should mean Kindergarten and independence, but those things don't exist here on Earth for you. I still imagine what you'd be like now. If you'd be feisty like your little sister or passive like your little brother. I wonder what sort of things you would enjoy. It's hard to fathom that five years has passed; in the same breathe, it feels like just a split moment.

I still struggle with your absence daily. I feel sad for your two siblings who'll never fully grasp the idea of you. I feel sad for me and rejoice for you. I'll never understand why we're on this journey. I'll never fully grasp the idea of you being gone from this Earth forever. I am still waiting to awake from this nightmare. It's almost like I can still smell you, hear you, feel you. Then I wake up. I realize that your absence isn't a dream, but reality, and my heart breaks all over again.

The truth is I have come to terms with your death. I am not angry at God anymore. I have questions for him and I suspect he'll provide the answers when the timing is right. I love you with everything I have in me, but imagining what your life would have endured had you not soared to Heaven, is heartbreaking as well.

Now, I imagine you singing and dancing in the clouds. I imagine you free from the restrictions of the obstacles you faced while here. This seems to help the pain. Life will never be the same. Our family will always be missing our first baby girl. Your siblings will always be missing a sister and a friend. And that's not fair. Nothing on this Earth is fair, Zoey. Our world seems to be plagued by sickness and heartache. There are good things, too, though. And for those, I wish you were here to experience them. I wish we could be planning a big girl party. I wish we could be registering you for school. I wish you weren't born with a broken heart. I wish we weren't plagued with memories of your death. Mostly, I wish you were here. With us. Where you so rightfully belong. I miss you.

You simply amaze me. I watch babies fuss over the littlest things. And while I feel sorry for them as well it reminds me of how very brave you were. I am reminded all the time of your courage and grace. You're a testimony of strength and courage and love. I often here people say, "I don't know how you do it; I would just die if something happened to one of my children." This journey IS the hardest I have every had to conquer. I still struggle. Daily. But, it's something that had to be done. Not just for me, or your Daddy, or any of the people who love us both, but for you as well. I want people to sense your courage and strength through me. I want people to understand our love for one another. I want people to know you. I became your voice when your voice was silenced in death. I forever be your advocate. Death doesn't keep us apart forever. Faith and love teaches me that.

Your brother looks like you. And sometimes it's hard for me to watch him learn to do the things you couldn't do. But I know you're proud of all of us. I know that somewhere in Heaven you see us and it brings a smile to your sweet face. I have met some amazing people in this journey of grief. Even though our stories are different, it's comforting to find sol ice and peace knowing that we're never in this journey alone. I imagine you've made friends with some amazing babies: Aubrey, Logan, Luca, Keanu, to name a few.

I'll never, ever, stop thinking about you. I'll never, ever, stop loving you. You're my hero. The three short months you were on Earth molded me into a person I didn't even know existed. You've created the mother I am to your siblings. I'll never stop praising the Lord for giving me you. I'm forever grateful to him for the three-months he allowed us to care for you. You're my heart, my first born, my sweet, sweet, crooked binky, and wild haired, baby girl.

Happy, Happy, 5th birthday in Heaven, Zoey. Eat all the cake you want. Make a mess and lots of noise.

Missing and loving you forever,

Mama