Monday, April 25, 2011

There is a party in Heaven- Year 5.

Happy 5th birthday in Heaven sweet girl. I was just telling a friend that when I think about you being five it's so surreal to me. It's such a milestone birthday. It should mean Kindergarten and independence, but those things don't exist here on Earth for you. I still imagine what you'd be like now. If you'd be feisty like your little sister or passive like your little brother. I wonder what sort of things you would enjoy. It's hard to fathom that five years has passed; in the same breathe, it feels like just a split moment.

I still struggle with your absence daily. I feel sad for your two siblings who'll never fully grasp the idea of you. I feel sad for me and rejoice for you. I'll never understand why we're on this journey. I'll never fully grasp the idea of you being gone from this Earth forever. I am still waiting to awake from this nightmare. It's almost like I can still smell you, hear you, feel you. Then I wake up. I realize that your absence isn't a dream, but reality, and my heart breaks all over again.

The truth is I have come to terms with your death. I am not angry at God anymore. I have questions for him and I suspect he'll provide the answers when the timing is right. I love you with everything I have in me, but imagining what your life would have endured had you not soared to Heaven, is heartbreaking as well.

Now, I imagine you singing and dancing in the clouds. I imagine you free from the restrictions of the obstacles you faced while here. This seems to help the pain. Life will never be the same. Our family will always be missing our first baby girl. Your siblings will always be missing a sister and a friend. And that's not fair. Nothing on this Earth is fair, Zoey. Our world seems to be plagued by sickness and heartache. There are good things, too, though. And for those, I wish you were here to experience them. I wish we could be planning a big girl party. I wish we could be registering you for school. I wish you weren't born with a broken heart. I wish we weren't plagued with memories of your death. Mostly, I wish you were here. With us. Where you so rightfully belong. I miss you.

You simply amaze me. I watch babies fuss over the littlest things. And while I feel sorry for them as well it reminds me of how very brave you were. I am reminded all the time of your courage and grace. You're a testimony of strength and courage and love. I often here people say, "I don't know how you do it; I would just die if something happened to one of my children." This journey IS the hardest I have every had to conquer. I still struggle. Daily. But, it's something that had to be done. Not just for me, or your Daddy, or any of the people who love us both, but for you as well. I want people to sense your courage and strength through me. I want people to understand our love for one another. I want people to know you. I became your voice when your voice was silenced in death. I forever be your advocate. Death doesn't keep us apart forever. Faith and love teaches me that.

Your brother looks like you. And sometimes it's hard for me to watch him learn to do the things you couldn't do. But I know you're proud of all of us. I know that somewhere in Heaven you see us and it brings a smile to your sweet face. I have met some amazing people in this journey of grief. Even though our stories are different, it's comforting to find sol ice and peace knowing that we're never in this journey alone. I imagine you've made friends with some amazing babies: Aubrey, Logan, Luca, Keanu, to name a few.

I'll never, ever, stop thinking about you. I'll never, ever, stop loving you. You're my hero. The three short months you were on Earth molded me into a person I didn't even know existed. You've created the mother I am to your siblings. I'll never stop praising the Lord for giving me you. I'm forever grateful to him for the three-months he allowed us to care for you. You're my heart, my first born, my sweet, sweet, crooked binky, and wild haired, baby girl.

Happy, Happy, 5th birthday in Heaven, Zoey. Eat all the cake you want. Make a mess and lots of noise.

Missing and loving you forever,


Saturday, April 23, 2011

Who is this child?

My little girl is becoming such a girly girl. I am not this way. Most days I don't sport make-up. I wear dresses ONLY for super special occasions and I haven't had my nails done since prom.

Kenzie is terrified of bugs. Cannot stay in an outfit that is wrinkled or has a stain of any sorts. She freaks if her hands are dirty. Is super motherly to ALL her babies. And has a sense of style all of her own. In fact, she won't let me dress her 99% of the time and is obsessed that thinks match.

Tonight? She made me paint her toe nails because her pedicure(yes, you read that correctly) nail polish had chipped and she couldn't go to bed with chipped nails. Sigh.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Brenton: You're 6 months old today!

Happy 6th month, sweet boy!! It's hard to fathom that you've been apart of our lives for half a year. We're half way to celebrating your first birthday and that's insane to me. Again, I know this is repetitious, but if you could just stay little for just a little longer, I'd really appreciate it! You've hit all sorts of milestones this month. You have your first teeth(one half way out, the other next to it is just starting to surface). You can sort of see your pearly whites in the above picture. You're sitting unsupported. You need someone close by because you'll just topple over sporadically without warning. You seem so satisfied with this new feat! You're eating solids now. Typically once in the afternoon and once in the evening. You've recently decided that solids are WAY better than bottles and you're trying to protest them. You have to hold off on being such a big boy until you get more teeth! When we were out to eat with friends this week, you were sitting in the highchair and decided to grab a handful of your sisters HOT cheese and pepperoni. You were less than satisfied with my removing it from your grasp. You're rolling over in both directions. Though you almost never do. You hate, hate, hate, being on your belly and I don't really push you. I figure you'll get there eventually. You're sleeping through the night(Bless you, boy) and still taking two or more naps a day You love to sleep.
You love water and last weekend took a dip in the pool for the first time. You LOVED it. You have a super calm nature. Last week was my last week at work. I quit to stay home with you and your sister. You've been pretty fussy this week and I cannot figure out if it's because of the change of routine or lack for sleep since your sister LOVES to wake you. Overall though, no complaints for you. Speaking of your sister... You love her. You glow when she's in the room. You follow her around with your eyes; you like to "play" with her(with your toys). You think she's the coolest thing since sliced bread. And she loves you back. I really can't ask for more.
I love, love, love you. It's so hard to grasp. It's hard to imagine that this house was missing something prior to you. It feels like your sweet little self has been here the entire time. But as 'big' as 6 month sounds- you're still just my sweet, cuddly, boy. You're so easy to please and I can only hope you continue through life with this care free attitude. I understand why God tells us to be humble like a child. It's the innocence of you that I want to recreate in myself. It's pretty neat to experience motherhood and realize that sometimes in the big picture of life, it's the tiny moments that really matter. Your sister and I often remind me to take some time to "smell the roses." I often put the pause breaks on life so I can savor these moments; in the blink of an eye you and your sister will be grown. I am enjoying this wild ride, sweet boy.

I can't say it enough. I love you until my heart aches. I explode with joy just looking at you. You're my sweet chubba Bubba and I HEART you.

Love you to the moon and back,