Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Motherhood. Huh?

I've been a Mother for over five years now. I've seen 3 beautiful children born; and I've said goodbye to one far too soon. And I am still clueless.

I'm not sure if there is some magical moment when all of this motherhood stuff eventually clicks. I know it hasn't thus far. I keep trying to find that answer. I keep trying to understand how the minds of little ones, my little ones, work. I'm oblivious.

It probably takes a lot to admit. Everything I had envisioned as a mother went out the window as soon as our first was born. And then our second, and our third. It's quite easy for me to say what I wouldn't do before babies. It was quite easy for me to "judge" others until motherhood slapped me in the face.

The idea of motherhood before motherhood is glamorous. I pictured beautiful babies, hugs, kisses, and love. I left out the temper fits, vomit, blow-outs, and sleepless nights(lots and lots of them.)

It's not easy. It's  not always perfect. And I struggle daily. I want to create confident children. I want to create little people that view the world as beautiful. I want to shelter them from the hate that floods our society. I want them to be open-minded. I want them to love God, their selves, and other people.

When I look into my nearly four-year olds' and my newly one-year olds' eyes I see beauty. Obviously, I think they're just the cutest little beings ever; but I see little impressionable minds. Those minds, those personalities, will form from the teachings of myself and their father. It's a big responsibility. I often wonder and worry about screwing that up(for lack of a better term.)

Sometimes I remind myself to sit back and watch the beautiful lives that we've been blessed with. The chores can wait. I can let this thing slide.  Zoey's death has taught me many things. The most important thing is tomorrow is not guaranteed. So I stop this busy world and watch. I love. And I cherish.  If my little girl does some obnoxious thing, I let it go. For now. Hug her, love her, all while creating the woman she'll one day be. If my one-year old is up a dozen times a night- I stop. Take a deep breath, and realize how lucky I am. He's healthy. He's beautiful. And these days will pass all too soon. Those late night cuddles will soon turn into worry when he's on his first date, driving his first car... I remind myself that sleepless nights suck. But they grow far too soon.

Although I am still completely clueless about this whole motherhood thing, I've learned to love another person more than I do myself. You love your spouse, obviously. However, the love between Mother and child is unbreakable. It never goes away. I still run to my parents at nearly 30 years old when someone breaks my heart. And they always make it right. That's all I can hope to be for my babies.

Figuring this stuff out can come later...

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Brenton- You're one year old today!

Happy first birthday, gorgeous boy! It's surreal that you're a year old. This time last year we had just met for the first time and I was in love the second I saw your beautiful face. You're such an amazing little guy. You're sweet to the core and already becoming too independent for me.

You're walking everywhere and into everything. You have 7 teeth. You're getting ready to lose the bottle. You're babbling all the time and talking with hand gestures. You become a bit irritated when I don't understand what you're asking for. It goes something like this: [arched eyebrows]-"Abbabdanmmmaa" [hands going a mile a minute]. And then you finish with whining when I ask again what you're trying to say.

You still do not sleep through the night. Please, please, please, make this your next milestone. I love you, but your face loses a bit of its cuteness at 3AM.

You're so innocent and beautiful. I can only hope that you hold on to this trait for a long time. My wish for you is to continue to view the world as beautiful. Don't ever hold a grudge and never hold hate in your heart. I want you to put God first and never, ever, forget to love.

I love you. I love what you've brought into our lives. I love how you completed our family in ways I didn't realize were possible. You're amazing, kind, vivacious, and beautiful. People are blessed to meet you and I know you'll conquer your dreams without too much effort.

I look forward to watching you continue to grow. I've watched you blossom from a tiny newborn, into a beautiful infant, and now into a spunky toddler. I am looking forward to the years to come and holding your hand through it all.

I love you to the moon and back, Mama!