I'm not sure if there is some magical moment when all of this motherhood stuff eventually clicks. I know it hasn't thus far. I keep trying to find that answer. I keep trying to understand how the minds of little ones, my little ones, work. I'm oblivious.
It probably takes a lot to admit. Everything I had envisioned as a mother went out the window as soon as our first was born. And then our second, and our third. It's quite easy for me to say what I wouldn't do before babies. It was quite easy for me to "judge" others until motherhood slapped me in the face.
The idea of motherhood before motherhood is glamorous. I pictured beautiful babies, hugs, kisses, and love. I left out the temper fits, vomit, blow-outs, and sleepless nights(lots and lots of them.)
It's not easy. It's not always perfect. And I struggle daily. I want to create confident children. I want to create little people that view the world as beautiful. I want to shelter them from the hate that floods our society. I want them to be open-minded. I want them to love God, their selves, and other people.
When I look into my nearly four-year olds' and my newly one-year olds' eyes I see beauty. Obviously, I think they're just the cutest little beings ever; but I see little impressionable minds. Those minds, those personalities, will form from the teachings of myself and their father. It's a big responsibility. I often wonder and worry about screwing that up(for lack of a better term.)
Sometimes I remind myself to sit back and watch the beautiful lives that we've been blessed with. The chores can wait. I can let this thing slide. Zoey's death has taught me many things. The most important thing is tomorrow is not guaranteed. So I stop this busy world and watch. I love. And I cherish. If my little girl does some obnoxious thing, I let it go. For now. Hug her, love her, all while creating the woman she'll one day be. If my one-year old is up a dozen times a night- I stop. Take a deep breath, and realize how lucky I am. He's healthy. He's beautiful. And these days will pass all too soon. Those late night cuddles will soon turn into worry when he's on his first date, driving his first car... I remind myself that sleepless nights suck. But they grow far too soon.
Although I am still completely clueless about this whole motherhood thing, I've learned to love another person more than I do myself. You love your spouse, obviously. However, the love between Mother and child is unbreakable. It never goes away. I still run to my parents at nearly 30 years old when someone breaks my heart. And they always make it right. That's all I can hope to be for my babies.
Figuring this stuff out can come later...