Most of you know that I chit chat with some ladies from a "born in" board. Those who don't it's a forum of woman who have children born or due in December of 2007. We're able to ask get answers through concerns from BTDT(been there done that) moms- share milestone moments, etc.
Yesterday a bunch of them remembered Zoey with me. Pretty awesome to think she was being thought of ALL over the country(and World).
It was really touching to think she's STILL inspiring people- and people whom have never met her, too
April 25, 2006 at 2:28 in the morning you came rushing into our lives. Impacting it like no other person. You left for Heaven three-months and 6 days later leaving us only with a few months of beautiful memories of you.
Each year as this time comes I am flooded with emotions of you. Don't get me wrong- I think of you all the time. I constantly try to envision the little girl you should be or would be had we been lucky enough to watch you develop into a three-year old. I always start writing your yearly letter wondering if I have the words to say, the energy to say them. They always come, my sweet girl.
We miss you. We wish that circumstances were different and you were running around our house; McKenzie chasing enthusiastically after you why we try to calm the both of you for your cake. Our cards were dealt differently and we're left with only those images and it's heartbreaking, Zoey.
I wish you could have grasped then how much we loved you and how proud we were of you. I have never, ever, ever, seen a baby with as much fight, spunk, and courage in my twenty-seven years on Earth. Never. Not sure I ever will and most of that is NOT just plain old Mommy bias. I still cannot believe you'd be three. I still cannot believe you're gone on this Earth forever. It's quite rewarding to have faith in Jesus and know that goodbye isn't forever. One day those gates will open and you'll be waiting to greet us. It'll be a perfect day then.
Our family will always be missing a valuable link. McKenzie will always be jipped(for lack of a better term) from her Big Sister. I cannot wait until she's old enough to understand so I can tell her all about you.
The World isn't fair my Sugar Butt. It isn't. If it were- you'd be here with us. You would have been born without obstacles to overcome. Our family would be whole. Daddy wouldn't be flooded with his own emotions of trying to save his sweet girl. He feels so guilty about that. We both REALLY know that it was time for you to leave. You were sick of surgeries and no one really knew what your little life would have had to entail.
I am sorry for me- not for you. I am SO happy for you. Happy to know that the world no longer controls your fate. You're not another "statistic" or a doctors patient. You're in God's home running free with all the angel babies you have met over the last few years.
Mommy has met some really nice Mom's who miss their little kiddo's as much as I miss you. Can you give hugs and kisses to a few that especially tug at Mommy's heart: Aubrey, Logan, Alex, Luca, Ava, and Abby.
In closing I know you're having SO much fun in the skies right now. Run the clouds, dance with Jesus, eat a HUGE piece of chocolate cake. Know that Daddy and Mommy are thinking and loving and missing you today, tomorrow, and forever.
Apparently a new way of communication with infants and toddlers alike is the use of signing. Now I researched this a lot during school, my pregnancy with Zoey, and then again with McKenzie. The jury is still out that it may cause speech delay. Since I'd much rather my kid speak to me than sign to me(given that she is not hearing impaired, which currently she is not) we opted to avoid this option of communication.
I also had to throw in that I find it comical that one would insinuate that the knowledge of signing would also eliminate Little Miss Stubborns temper fits. To do so she would need to be fluent in sign and the most common words for babies signing are: Thank You, More, Yes, No, Please. So thinking my attempts would be in vain.
Anyhow- since I got a bit off topic with my rant about my decisions regarding McKenzie's verbal welfare here is the REAL sign for more and below is McKenzie's attempts. I couldn't stop laughing. I only contradicted my beliefs to see if she would actually do it when she was screaming, "Mommy!" and pointing at my oranges. She did try and she looks like a flapping penguin rather than a signing baby. Hysterical. And I am not bias but she IS the cutest 16 month old I've ever seen!
Kenzie's language has been REALLY picking up in the last few days. She's really starting to repeat what we ask her to say. She now can say(And ridiculously clear, too) Nanny(my mom) Papa(my Dad, Duane's Dad) Puppy Bye Bye Bayleigh(the dog) Baby Happy No Yes This Juice Daddy Dada Mommy Mama Up Bath Me(For mine or give it to me) apple There may be more- but I cannot think right now.Guess 18 month is the magical age for language(K is 16.5 months).
Today we had my very first Easter egg hunt. My Mom wasn't too sure how I would do, but as usual I surpassed every ones expectations.
Yes, my Mother is aware of her ever expanding backside. The joys of child rearing she tells me
This is me posing pretty for the camera. You see all my eggs in the basket? I officially rock!
Here's my Momma encouraging me to place them in the basket. I obliged this time.
Yesterday we went with my two cousins, Kali and Hayden, and my Auntie to Sea World. The lines were ridiculous- the heat was horrible- and since we're pass holders we left quickly. I did watch the Sea Lion show and I was on my best behavior for 25 minutes. I then thought it would be fun to pet the kid in front of me- time to make our exit.. and quick!
Hayden got lazy so we turned my single stroller into a double. He kept insisting that he was "serious" and was done holding me. He decided walking was easier than carrying my 25 pound self.
My first Merry-go-round. Could I be anymore cuter? Mama refuses to use the word precious with me. Apparently, it's what people call the not so cute kids instead of lying and calling them cute.
Tomorrow is church and dinner and I get my basket from my Mommy and Daddy. I even get to wear my pretty new Easter dress. In case you couldn't tell from my description of my mother- she's in an unusually sarcastic mood today!
Happy Easter, Folks! Let's give thanks to our Lord and Savior for this day and every day!
April is a hard month for me. Zoey's birthday is at the end of the month and I often find myself thinking of her more than normal. That what-ifs and the guilt from that day in July come roaring back. All. Month. Long.
During church on Sunday our Pastor mentioned tribulations and praising God no matter where you are in life. He kept talking about the darkest hours having reasoning in God's eyes and plans for us. I agree. I do. He mentioned that we're often on the fifteenth step to Solomons temple. What he meant is that we'll find ourselves backsliding when we're almost out of our personal tribulation. We're this close to peace and we throw in the rag. We've failed and lost trust in God's promise for peace and happiness. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) I think this Biblical quote says it all. Stop questioning me. Trust me. Our Pastor said that when we're knee deep in despair and facing struggles that we think no one else could possibly understand that we struggle to find reasoning. Then when it's over and our lives start to make sense again- it all comes together. Apparently, our creator knows what he is doing after all. He's thrown us into this fire to help us grow and depend on him. When I thought about the statement that it'll all come together and make sense tears flowed from my eyes. I kept trying to understand Zoey's death. Her life. Her birth. Her existence. The purpose behind her struggles to survive only to die. Then it came to me.. I may never grasp the concept of her death or the tribulations put on my life, Duane's life, those who loved her lives. God bringing her to Heaven wasn't to teach me something. It was just meant to be. From the time she was conceived, it was meant to be.
Zoey's been gone nearly three years and I think I have done a lot of growing in that time. My heart still misses her and our family will always be missing a critical link. However, I am blessed beyond reasoning to have been able to know her, nourish her, and love her. Our lives will never, ever, be the same. We're aware of death more than ever before. We've grown spiritually. My marriage has grown as a result. Even the way I parent McKenzie is a direct result of Zoey's life and death.
She is an amazing little person. She is loved by loads of people. And though my heart will continue to ache for our first little girl- I take comfort knowing that she is with our creator. Finally free from doctors, wires, pain,taking strides along Heaven's clouds and dancing with Jesus. Our lives are blessed beyond reason because she is our daughter.
We've had great Weather here in the Sunshine State. We loaded up the kid and headed to the park. Originally because a good friend of mine suggested this particular park because the playground was designed for ages 2-5. Perfect. Except our drought is slowly getting better and it rained last night. The park was a bit, erhmm, messy. I don't do the whole dirty kid thing. Sorry!