I'm not sure if there is some magical moment when all of this motherhood stuff eventually clicks. I know it hasn't thus far. I keep trying to find that answer. I keep trying to understand how the minds of little ones, my little ones, work. I'm oblivious.
It probably takes a lot to admit. Everything I had envisioned as a mother went out the window as soon as our first was born. And then our second, and our third. It's quite easy for me to say what I wouldn't do before babies. It was quite easy for me to "judge" others until motherhood slapped me in the face.
The idea of motherhood before motherhood is glamorous. I pictured beautiful babies, hugs, kisses, and love. I left out the temper fits, vomit, blow-outs, and sleepless nights(lots and lots of them.)
It's not easy. It's not always perfect. And I struggle daily. I want to create confident children. I want to create little people that view the world as beautiful. I want to shelter them from the hate that floods our society. I want them to be open-minded. I want them to love God, their selves, and other people.
When I look into my nearly four-year olds' and my newly one-year olds' eyes I see beauty. Obviously, I think they're just the cutest little beings ever; but I see little impressionable minds. Those minds, those personalities, will form from the teachings of myself and their father. It's a big responsibility. I often wonder and worry about screwing that up(for lack of a better term.)
Sometimes I remind myself to sit back and watch the beautiful lives that we've been blessed with. The chores can wait. I can let this thing slide. Zoey's death has taught me many things. The most important thing is tomorrow is not guaranteed. So I stop this busy world and watch. I love. And I cherish. If my little girl does some obnoxious thing, I let it go. For now. Hug her, love her, all while creating the woman she'll one day be. If my one-year old is up a dozen times a night- I stop. Take a deep breath, and realize how lucky I am. He's healthy. He's beautiful. And these days will pass all too soon. Those late night cuddles will soon turn into worry when he's on his first date, driving his first car... I remind myself that sleepless nights suck. But they grow far too soon.
Although I am still completely clueless about this whole motherhood thing, I've learned to love another person more than I do myself. You love your spouse, obviously. However, the love between Mother and child is unbreakable. It never goes away. I still run to my parents at nearly 30 years old when someone breaks my heart. And they always make it right. That's all I can hope to be for my babies.
Figuring this stuff out can come later...
1 comment:
You are a wonderful mother. You are so much wiser than I was, these are times to cherish when your children are young. Love is the most important thing to give your family. Everything else will be God molding all of us to be the best we can be. Love Mom K
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