Ughhh...

Fever. Again.

Enough said.

Zoo Day

Today we went to the zoo. I know this is totally against my whole animal in captivity thing; however, making your kid happy tends to surpass that belief. We still have no plans on ever visiting the circus. My work offered free passes for me and a guest through the entire month of September, so we met some friends and off we went. Kenzie's favorite part was the jungle gym. She has decided that if it doesn't bark or meow she isn't touching it. I can't blame her really. However, she has saved us some dollars for her birthday party as we know a pony would not entertain her.

She loved sitting in her friends stroller. It is a pretty cool ride. I may be able to justify buying one if we had more than one baby- but for now she'll have to pitch a ride when she visits with her buddies.

We were able to feed the giraffes'. This was MY favorite part. Their tongues literally wrapped around my whole hand in an effort to get the cracker. I wanted to kiss them. I tend to think they may not have obliged my request.

Duane tried effortlessly to get McKenzie to pet the pony. He was really sweet. He constantly nibbled and grabbed Duane's clothes. I assume he wrongly speculated that we had food. Sorry, buddy!

All and all it was a good time. So much so that Kenz is enjoying a long nap. Life is good.

Complex thoughts....

I can vividly remember the anger I had with God after Zoey died. We(meaning Duane, my family, myself) were his faithful followers after all. I sat by her bedside in the hospital praying to him, wishing for one of those miracle healing that I had read about.

It never came. I watched baby after baby be discharged. Listen as parents received hopeful news about their babies... and we sat.. waiting, praying, hoping.

I used to rationalize with her condition. She must be SO special to God. She's going to grow up and use her stories to be a witness for his ways. She would have a beautiful testimony after all.
7 weeks after she was discharged and was thriving, I'd often tell people about how I had NO idea why God made her with a broken heart. I had no reasons for her many medical issues. However, I know that God knows I couldn't possibly live without her.. I would lose it.. I would die... She had purpose and her testimony was bringing the most unfaithful people into God's house to pray. I was grateful for her.

That late July day where she begin to struggle to breathe and the ambulance workers whisked her away to safety... I prayed. I was on my knees as the police came in... On my knees yelling and shouting at the lord to save her... Please work a miracle.. Please allow her tiny little heart to beat again...

We arrived at the hospital only to learn that no miracle had been performed. She wasn't coming home this time. Our lives would forever change in less than an hour. We went from a family of three to just us again. The evening we came home everything so empty.
I remember going into her room.. Shouting, yelling.. So angry with this circumstance. Why me, Lord? Why us? Why not the mothers I read about who obviously don't love their children. Why not the mother who has multiple babies the cannot afford and seem not to care about. Why not the mother who opts to party through life, shuffling their babies from one sitters to another... Why us?

I had a plethora of questions for him. None of which ever seemed to have an answer. Today, three years later, I don't care about the answer. I look to the skies and realize that one day I'll have my sweet girl again. I often think about asking God at Heavens gates about why he decided he needed her more than us. Today that doesn't matter. I am sure once we get there the only thing I'll care about is how happy I am to be reunited with her again.

I was talking with my sister who made a VERY valid thought. It made perfect since. I asked her the same thing, "Why us?" And she said why NOT you. At first this angered me. However, I looked at the complex question and came to realize that in some odd way she was right. At least for me. Somehow in all the heartache I have come through this loss. My faith stronger than ever. Zoey's testimony is MY testimony and I share about her ALL. THE. TIME.
I think that maybe, just maybe, God knew that those "horrible" mothers I mentioned before couldn't REALLY deal with this sort of loss. That maybe he knew that somehow I'd make it through and work harder than ever to regain my trust and faith in him. That maybe, just maybe, those other mothers would fall of the track completely... They'd lose faith.. and ultimately lose him. And although that brings little comfort my hunger to be with our daughter again.. it makes sense. God really did understand that I would be able to come out of this grief and still sing his glory. Maybe, just maybe, the other Mother wouldn't.

Say.. CHEESE!!

McKenzie's new favorite thing to do when she see's a camera is to say Cheese while flashing her pearly whites at the camera!

Below you'll find some products of this new favorite hobby. Hey, at least I can get photos of her actually looking at the camera!

McKenzie: You're 21 months old!

Oh, Baby Girl. 21 months old is hard for Mommy to mutter from my mouth. Saying you're 21 months makes me realize that you're SO ridiculously close to two and I am still in denial about that. I think I have spent a nice chunk of your life stating how fast you're growing. Today is no different. You're a vivacious little spirit. Some people may assume this means you're spoiled to the core; however, they're only partially correct. You remind me of myself. Not just with the stories that Nanny shares with me from my own toddler hood, but even now in adulthood. You're stubborn,opinionated, funny, and full of energy. You're constantly testing new boundaries and hate for anyone to detour you from your desires. NO is not in your vocabulary and I am sure you're sick of hearing it ALL. THE. TIME. Even though you can be trying for your Father and I we are very grateful for your independent personality.

You're learning to talk more and more everyday. You tell us each time you've done your business in your pants and often insist on wearing your panties. You typically remember that "I peeped" a tad too late but you are understanding the concept. You LOVE making animal sounds and banging your hands on your chest like a monkey. It's probably the cutest thing I have ever witnessed.

You have also learned to do motions to all of your favorite songs. You're favorite song is "The Wheels on the Bus!" And you LOVE making your hands "honk" the horn. You LOVE saying, Beep, Beep, Beep! Again. Adorable.

You're a little sponge. Often as adults we slowly lose that curiosity we had as children. I hope you never will. Keep it, Kiddo!

You LOVE three things almost as much as your Mommy and Daddy. The Paci, The blankey, and Yo Gabba Gabba.

We're working on you losing that bink here shortly, much to your dismay. It'll be a bittersweet moment in my life as it is the last piece of your babyhood.

What seems like every. two. minutes. You hand us the remote and protest your love for DJ Lance and his friends. You INSIST on playing Yo Gabba Gabba- Saying, Gabba Gabba over and over until we're ready to pull our hair out. The show is oddly entertaining for both Daddy and I- and watching how excited you get when the theme song comes on melts my heart....

You love, love, love, your blanket. This wasn't something you were attached to until close to a year, but you've been an addict ever since. You have lots of loveys, but this is by far your favorite. You rub it on your cheek as you lay down for sleep... Insist on eating breakfast with it... and drag it to places NO blankey should go. You LOVE it.

You've been in daycare for three-months now. I honestly was coming to terms that you may never adjust. However, it true Kenzie fashion it just clicked. One day you decided this place wasn't all that bad and you enjoyed it. You now RUN into your classroom and often embarrass Daddy by refusing to leave(Don't do that to Mommy, OK)?!

You have many friends there and you and another little girl are often caught in a corner rocking and loving on baby dolls. You tell me ALL about Donna(one of your teachers) at bath time.

I was SO guilty leaving you at first. Now I can see how happy it makes you. It's really allowed to to socialize with other kids and a lot of your quirks are disappearing. You've learned SO much since starting there and all together we're a happier family now.

In closing I wish words could express how much I love you. I often ponder about life before you came and it was so dull. You definitely complete our family sweet girl. Keep up your craziness and know that through all the chaos we wouldn't change one single thing about you.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mommy

Another year goes by

I've come to the realization that I don't need anyone else to recognize her soul. Not a single person ever needs to mention her to me anymore. I am satisfied with that reality. I finally grasp three-years later that it's an awkward conversation that most family and friends do not want to focus on.

I can focus on her. I can remember from our pregnancy memories together, to each happy day she graced us with her beauty, throughout her death, and throughout my life.. Until I take that very last breath God gives me.

I miss her. And somehow with time and grace I've learned to accept life without her physical beauty in it. I can remember her, love her, honor her. I can feel pride when her baby sissy points to her pictures and says, "Awww, Baby!" I can feel the bond they share without McKenzie having the vocal capabilities to share it with me.

It's the most surreal moments in life. Three-years can feel like an eternity and a second in the very same moment. Surreal. I've thought long and hard. Tried to rationalize the reasons for her life, death, the absence of a part of my soul. I've Begged and pleaded, screamed at God, Anger, and happiness, Tears and sorrow. I can remember the months after her death- the "pit" that I found myself in.. The pit I can STILL find myself in.

I've learned how to be happy despite my incredible misfortune. I've learned how to feel blessed, despite her absence. Three- years. A long time. A lot of thinking and contemplating. A lot of un-answered questions. Guilt, pain, fear, anger, sorrow- all the typical emotions after losing a child.

I can finally accept that she is gone from this Earth. That I'll never see that crooked bink- that crazy, wild hair, that silly smile- the determination on her face on this side again. I can find happiness that Yesterday's heartache isn't tomorrow's destiny.

Missing, Loving, longing, for my Sugar Butt. My sweet, beautiful, Zoey Faith.

photo's from the weekend

We're half-potty training around here. She's gone poopy twice on the potty- but nothing consistant yet. However, she ask to go- All. The. Time. I think she just likes to wear her new panties! Cheesing for the camera! She MUST do her business in the nude. Interesting!

Saturday we met some friends at the Orlando Science Center. Kenzie had tons of fun; however, was scared of quite a few of the mechanical thingies. Maybe Disney won't be the best choice for her birthday outing!
Building blocks!

Begging for Yogurt Drops(AKA, toddler crack)!